Pillow
by Matt Potter
The man lying beside me — did I remember his name? — cradled the pillow, snoring.
Morning sun peppered his three-day growth.
And then, he broke the reverie: a guffaw, long and low and rolling. His eyes opened. “I was just dreaming about you,” he said, sleepy-voiced. “What's for breakfast?”
“Breakfast is not included,” I said, hospitality affronted.
I walked naked into the kitchen. Marie sat at the table, coffee cup in hand. She was as pretty as the day I had married her.
She set the cup down and pushed her blonde bob behind her ears as I pulled a chair out and sat opposite.
“When is this need for constant confirmation of your sexual attractiveness going to stop, Barry?” she said. “It's getting a bit lame.”
“I'm not even forty yet,” I snapped. “So it's got a way to go.” I stood up. And there I had been thinking how pretty she still was!
“This is not the best environment to be bringing up children,” she added. And paused. A smirk played on her lips. And her eyes sparked.
I rushed back into the bedroom. “Get dressed!” I said. “We're going out for breakfast — my shout. I'm going to be a father!”
I threw clothes at his startled face and jumped into my jeans.
Marie stood in the doorway. “Hey,” she said. “I'm just thinking of getting a dog.”
“Oh,” said the man. And a guffaw, long and low and rolling, escaped his lips again.
|
0
favs |
1078 views
14 comments |
283 words
All rights reserved. |
Author's Note
This one took a while - well, for 250 words or less - and was written for Week #15 (theme: sleep) for '52 / 250 - A Year of Flash'. I always like contrasting more convoluted language with plainer speaking. I also like the idea of some man bringing his tricks home, and then having a casual conversation over breakfast the next morning with his wife, while the trick sleeps in the other room.
Other stories by Matt Potter
Tags
Groups
-
52|250
Public group103 members -
the comic story
Public group71 members
Comments
You must
log in
to post comments.
after the shock of all that 'openness', a well-played and funny ending. peace...
funny, with your usual clever depth
Oh, I am intrigued by both those comments. The first comment I received re this story (ever) was basically 'I don't know what to make of this' and the second was 'It's confusing' (though I think this second person was confused about why the woman 'Marie' would allow her husband to have male lovers, etc). Well, who knows about why anyone does anything in their relationships? Anyway, thank you both, for reading and commenting.
(Though "hospitality affronted" seems more appropriate in a situation where breakfast was offered and refused, thereby "affronting" the hospitality of the host.)
hmmm ... I will have to think about what I had there originally, which was "(something else) affronted". Though I see what you mean.
maybe 'graciousness' would be better ... 'or 'once-warm-and-now-stone-cold-post-coital-glow affronted' ... actually, I might save that one for later!
I think I see what you mean: goodwill of host offended by the asking for breakfast by the other. Something about decorum disrupted, lines crossed.
This has a cool concept and does the thing you mentioned with language in the notes. It's hitting for me in that way. But I will say I got confused a little with the switching points of view, the "I" changed on me or something. Anyways, good story, Matt.
Matt:
my idea was -
1 - Barry is gazing at the man he brought home last night i.e. "reverie". You presume they had sex. Will they have it again?
2- The man guffaws in his sleep, then opens his eyes and says, "I was just dreaming (i.e. thinking) about you." Barry, who may or may not have offered him breakfast, is affronted, and all thought or promise or idea of hospitality is withdrawn.
At one time I had an annoyed Marie tell Barry they weren't a hotel and he could not offer the man breakfast, but I decided it was better for Marie (also, space considering) to be angry with Barry and not the trick, who may (or may not) have known she was on the scene, etc.
Sheldon:
Yes, there are a series of paragraphs in a row starting with "I ...", and all dialogue. I see what you mean. So I am going to change it!
Danke,
Matt
So he's offended because the guy laughed, not because he asked for breakfast?
Both ... Barry thinks / feels the guy has laughed at him, and then added insult to injury by asking for breakfast as well!
Maybe Barry thinks the guy was laughing about Barry's sexual performance.
Perhaps that was not clear enough ...
I like all the busy-ness in this piece, Matt. You have to read it a few times, or read it slowyly, to see all the back and forths. It's straightforward enough, what is happening on the page, but there's other stuff happening in the depths of these relationships, and I really like how you do that.
So Glad to see you here!
Nice dialogue in this.
The great thing about stories of this length is they encourage you NOT to over write - you just don't have the space. Every word counts, so you write and then you cut, cut, cut until it is the right length and you often have the suggestion or hint of things. What I like about writing for children is that it is honest and straight-forward, so you take the same approach with writing for adults, but have an extra layer of subterfuge or meaning as well. Maybe that is it ... and maybe not.