by Matt Potter
Here's one I prepared beforehand, I'd said. Please note the word “prepared”.
Still, the world runs on celebrity.
I was good-looking, marketable and ambitious. And that never hurt anyone cracking it big, even daytime big, the coveted 2.00 — 2.30pm timeslot.
And nobody seemed to notice only the guests did the actual cooking. Sure, I chopped, smiled at Camera 3, recommended sponsors' products: These Chopperholic knives are great for chives. Nothing stirs custard better than a Stir-a-Durable frost-free spoon.
Or gave hints: It's all in the wrist, and Just like Great-grandma used to make, but without the indentured labour.
So I was unprepared when making Overeasy Eggs Kilpatrick for Two — Here's one I prepared beforehand — and there they were, in the Unbelieva-steel frypan, still thawing inside their generic brand packaging.
Damn cross-promotional live demonstrations during the news hour.
(I also had new ill-fitting contact lenses and the steam from the toaster — I was using frozen bread — fogged them up. No wonder I didn't see that the Overeasy Eggs Kilpatrick for Two were still in their plastic packet!)
Celebrity Chef Can't Cook for Nuts! headlines said. Not true, I responded: I've always been a fan of mental illness.
They fired me but I sold my story to another network. They're hoping to revive — or recycle — an old genre by turning it into a TV Movie of the Week.
The contract states I must play myself. But I'm hoping they'll realise I can't act and pay me extra not to do the job.
All rights reserved.
Can't recall where this story came from, except I liked the idea of someone compering a cooking show and actually not being able to cook. Perhaps it's a reaction to all all those celebrity chef cooking shows. I wrote this story while living in Berlin, for Week #20 of '52 / 250 A Year of Flash' (theme: Rivals). 'Rivals' was also put forward, by me, as a theme, and I was pleased to have it picked.