West Side of the Tracks
“And I promise that your tax dollars will never get diverted to the West side of the tracks again!”
The crowd, holding signs that read Otto for Congress, hoots and hollers. Campaign music blares as Otto steps off the stage - handshakes and hugs. Then his manager escorts him to the tour bus, complete with a wet bar.
The bus heads west on Route 36, toward the next stop — Howell, New Jersey. After driving ten minutes, and after crossing the tracks, the bus gets a flat.
Otto gets off the bus and sees a young kid sitting on a stoop. Tattered shirt and worn-kneed jeans, the kid hops off the stoop and walks up to Otto. “Hey, mister. Wanna play a game?”
Otto looks at the stoop and at the house behind it: shutters falling off, boarded windows, and graffiti — a building, not a home.
“You have to throw a rock and land it in that box over there,” explains the kid. His small hand points to a warped cardboard box on the corner of the sidewalk.
Otto turns to his manager. “We have to get more money over here,” says Otto.
“This is the West side of the tracks, sir,” says Otto's manager.
“All politicians break promises.”
The kid hands Otto a jagged rock. "Visitors shoot first," says the kid. Otto tosses the rock and it lands wide to the right by about one foot. The kid sinks his shot right away. They play until dark.
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Author's Note
This is for the Week 8 theme in 52/250.
Comments and critiques, please.
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I liked this a lot Matt. It has such an interesting energy to it, and connection. And the odd campaign slogan - no tax dollars west of the tracks, begging, of course, the question why!
It feels like it would be set in the 50s, rather than present day. Calling it a "tour" bus, and the flat screen and wet bar threw me a bit. Just my thought.
Such a fine job with economy of words.
Yes, I like this, too, it's saying something meaningful in a very effective way
Great use of the theme. The use of the box and stones for basketball -- poignant. Peace...
Talk about character change by the end of the story; this did it so well and retained its element of surprise. Nice.
Liked this very much.
Nice use of the prompt. I like the line, "a building, not a home."
this is a clever use of the theme, and I agree with Cherise -- the energy and pace are very good here. It skips along nicely.
There were a couple moments where I stumbled slightly (only slightly, but you asked, so here goes):
1) there are two 'gets' very close to each other, and in such short works, they stood out when I read this aloud. The bus gets a flat, and in the very next sentence Otto gets off the bus. Very colloquial, but I'd try for more variety in language here -- just to make it flow better, sound better as the reader is working her way through these images.
2) In the line: “This is the West side of the tracks,” he says.
I wondered if it's the manager or Otto who says this. Could be either one, really. 'replies' would make it most obviously the manager, but the repeated 'says' without any change in pronoun (both times it's 'he') makes me think it could be Otto, talking for emphasis. Maybe it's me, but I spent enough time on this line wondering that I thought I'd raise it here. Since the piece is so short, you don't want a single stumble, I reckon. Hope this is taken the right way. Great piece, just a couple small things to note.
I esp love the ending. Such a nice image. Kinda old-fashioned, almost quaint.
(quaint in a good way, not in a trivial or trite way!)
Michelle,
Thank you so much for your comments. You'll see some changes shortly.