by John Olson
Nobody has been able to use the washer and dryer for over a month now. Our neighbors have gone laundry crazy. They've become suds-a-holics. They wash everything. If it isn't nailed down, they wash it. Outboard engines, peculiar feelings, dominatrix boots, metaphors, simulacrams, stepladders, old maritime proverbs, fuller's teasels, lunar craters, fipple flutes, fourth century Roman mosaics, NASA pressure suits, Vatican statuary, maidenhair and crisp salutes. I once pulled a women's high school basketball team out of the washer. They thanked me and stumbled off dizzily, unsteadily, but very, very clean. I don't know if there is a name for this behavior. It falls in the ballpark somewhere between anal and hopelessly obnoxious. Is there a solution? Would our neighbors be receptive to a discussion about balanced communalism? We could point out the fact that the washer and dryer are intended to serve the laundry needs of four apartments, not the entire western coast, or the detritus of western civilization, or antique parasols and parallel bars. Particularly not parallel bars when in use by Russian gymnasts. Russian gymnasts get very testy about being stuffed into condo washing machines when they're sprinting onto a springboard for a vaulting event. They really weren't that dirty in the first place. And secondly, they're from a different country, a different culture, with different detergents and softeners. In a way, you can't help but admire this level of zeal, this enthusiasm for washing things. But when you hear the jangle and tumult of someone trying to squeeze the spacetime continuum into a washer, you've got to wonder if your neighbors haven't gone a little too far, a little overboard with their laundry mania. This is an inappropriate use of classical mechanics in a Euclidean space. It's just a laundry room, after all, with four walls and a linoleum floor. How can you even time the cycles of your wash when time itself is tumbling around in a horizontally-oriented drum? I don't want the spacetime continuum washed. I like it the way it is. Supergalactic, subatomic, and ready-to-wear.
11
favs |
1943 views
19 comments |
360 words
All rights reserved. |
The author has not attached a note to this story.
This story has no tags.
This made me smile.
But I couldn't help but wonder...where do they hang it all out to dry...
Thank you, Sally. This story is not so exaggerated. I can't believe these people. If I'd extended the story into the dryer, it would have been much longer. Though there's a weird rattle in the dryer duct now; I should devote a story to that.
I bet the rattle in the dryer is the tuba section of the local marching band.
They get stuck sometimes.
Truly fine: witty, original and told with the perfect pacing of a standup comedian.
Excellent. Especially the space-time continuum being ready-to-wear. This is going on in my house for spring cleaning right now. Coincidence or space-time? fv*
Hilarious. When I read about the basketball team, I almost fell on the floor I laughed so hard.
Fav.
A ready to wear universe is such a brilliant way of seeing it.
So many pleasures in this.
Loved every word and you are a master of lists!
Love how this winds its way through everyone's neighborhood, yet "It's just a laundry room, after all, with four walls and a linoleum floor." *
"Outboard engines, peculiar feelings, dominatrix boots, metaphors, simulacrams, stepladders, old maritime proverbs, fuller's teasels, lunar craters, fipple flutes, fourth century Roman mosaics, NASA pressure suits, Vatican statuary, maidenhair and crisp salutes."
You forgot to add "greatness."
Fabulous work here, John.
("fipple flutes"! Love that most.)
How did I miss this?*
I agree. Very witty.*
"In a way, you can't help but admire this level of zeal, this enthusiasm for washing things." *
Look at you over here. 'bout time.
Absolutely fantastic. Get out the spray and wash.
So glad to see this on the right side of the board.
Funny, completely relatable stuff. The Russian gymnasts bit made me laugh out loud.
Wild. Spacetime should be like thouse billion dollar jeans.
You never wash them; you just put them in the freezer. Hmmmm. I wonder what the neighbors put in there.
The bit I like most is, "And secondly, they're from a different country, a different culture, with different detergents and softeners.."
Fun piece!