Ethics
by Jodi Barnes
Here's where you're wrong, she says but I hear hesitancy. A half-hearted conviction always makes me want to run. She's the most everything I've ever had in a woman, but if I told her she'd label me a misogynist or play coy as a teenager. You don't have me, she'd say while offering a you-silly-boy smirk or she'd ask with lowered lashes, What do you mean, everything?
If I wanted cautious I wouldn't be in her bed. She would only sleep with her husband. Adultery is not for pussies. So I dive back into the conversation which has made my dick limp and ask where I'm wrong in our post-coital chatter and she says it doesn't matter anymore, that she doesn't want to argue.
I feel a burn, definitely irritation, maybe some betrayal. This brilliant, upper-east side brick shit house of a lover can't discern between discussion and argument? No really, I say, I want to know where you think I'm wrong. And I lean in, kiss her cheekbone, place the hollow of my cheek against hers, breathe in her hair.
She rolls off my shoulder and away to the edge of the bed like a tightly rolled tapestry, leaving tiny threads of me on the bedspread. She hums some ridiculously tired pop tune and smiles at the afternoon light that leaks through a window. She is haloed; woven around her shoulders, breasts, waist and knees a soft gold. As she glides into the bathroom to start the shower, I can't get dressed quickly enough.
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Author's Note
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This perfectly captures what it feels like to have a sizzling physical connection with someone that you can't wait to stop talking with. Really grabbed me from the first sentence. *
Yep, the whole piece is just perched on the edge...makes me want to scream a little. Well done :)
"I feel a burn, definitely irritation, maybe some betrayal. This brilliant, upper-east side brick shit house of a lover can't discern between discussion and argument? No really, I say, I want to know where you think I'm wrong."
I agree with Carol's words of "perched on the edge". Good piece. The writing is solid.
sublime
Yes, this is really good. Made me want to get the hell out, too.*
Truly excellent Jodi. I'd say this is a perfect example of what flash fiction should be......instantly draws interesting characters, dives right into a scenario and reaches out and captures the imagination.
This is matured talent (I make no reference to your age, just how you have honed your writing skills).
Perfect portrait.
I agree with what everyone else has said about what makes this so good. Well done. *
Spot on. Great story telling, Jodi. *
"leaving tiny threads of me on the bedspread...."
Dynamite. Love the imagery.*
That last paragraph is a killer. Love it.*
"She rolls off my shoulder and away to the edge of the bed like a tightly rolled tapestry, leaving tiny threads of me on the bedspread."
Ooof! That is a perfect line.
Super good writing, start to finish. Nice capture. *
I like the end, especially the daylight through the window.
I like the turn int the third paragraph. The shifts in tone are very good here. Nicely done!
This is such an exposed line coming from him: She's the most everything I've ever had in a woman, but if I told her she'd label me a misogynist or play coy as a teenager. And "half-hearted conviction" is well placed early on. I can't get a grip on who the winner is in this, but my money'd be on her. The battle is a good one to watch. *