The Man With the Hairy Back

by Jerry Ratch


It's strange, what will become of me

What my life will be like

Since the animal in me

Is beginning to show on my back


Oh no, no, no

Women will never put up with this

I was afraid this would happen

They'll think I'm only half a man


I'm sure I could use some depilatory

To wipe away the evidence

But what if it returns when I'm not looking?

I guess I could always shave every day in the shower

Like people do with their legs


Or else, and why not, get on a jet

And fly down to an Electrolysis Center

In Mexico, or Moscow

Or maybe just have them plucked out

One by one? Oh, ouch! Ouch! No, no, no

I may be only half a man after all!

This is so brutal


But things could be worse, I guess

They could find me hanging out at sports bars

Or wearing Army pants and shooting ducks

Or presidential advisors in the face

I think maybe I should stop looking in the mirror

Or even over my shoulder


To hell with my natural paranoia

I must ignore the rocks being thrown at me

I will ignore the leash around my neck too

And the chain anchoring my leg to a tree

I guess I can always chew my own leg off

Anyway. What's a little pain, after all

When freedom is clearly in sight?


But please, please help me with my memory

Apparently the human side of me is failing fast

And I still can't feel the ecstasy

Of being a full-fledged animal yet

I'm begging you, put me out of the misery

Of being a half-baked human