Quail
by Jake Barnes
We are being good. No booze until five o'clock. We drop by a bar in town about 4:55. Belly up to the bar. At five we both order a Budweiser. We order another 5:05.
There are a cluster of ladies at the far end of the bar. I can't take my eyes off a tall blonde with green eyes. I catch her eye. She looks at me long and hard. I take off my Resistol and put it on the bar top. I comb back my hair with my hands. The blonde looks away. Her cheeks are red. Steam is coming out of my ears.
I get off my stool, hitch up my jeans. “Where you going?” Bob asks. “John,” I tell him. I mosey on to the back of the barroom, glance at the blonde, walk through a door labeled “Men.”
Inside I take a piss, wash my hands, splash water on my face, comb my hair with my fingers again, take a deep breath, and push open the door.
The girls are gone. The only women in the place are a middle aged pair sitting at a table. One looks like an old Nancy Reagan, the other like Eleanor Roosevelt.
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Author's Note
Tales from the sordid past of a scoundrel.
This is a tremendous slice of man beer. I love it. I might add one detail to the narrative about the tall blonde with green eyes, something to distinguish her from others in the world who pass for that description, a detail about her clothing or jewelry or facial or body or hair features, something to suggest that the narrator, he, may be a tall blonde with green hair aficionado, something to firmly remember her by though she is gone. *
hah! story of another time in my life...
I wrote green hair and meant to write green eye aficionado.
What can you do...
*
I like the way this opens. Good moment. *
To say I've been there done that doesn't do this justice. You capture the desperation and anguish this deserves.*
I love this. And it isn't a gender specific experience.
Lxx
Misjudgements return like pissy ghosts.
A tragedy-or maybe tragicomedy--in one act. This seems the perfect distillation of love and loss, along with an appropriate dollop of posturing. Liked it a lot.
Ha! I love the moment, the moment captured and lost. And it has such feeling while being so straightforward in pacing. Very well done.
*
Another little perfect confection.
*
The illusion goes down the tube with the beer. Nice Jake.
This is a great short. I love that it felt somewhat animated, despite a certain sadness. Good balance.*
Love this. Very cinematic. I see Sam Shepard. I feel for the man.
The hottest ones leave first...
Thank you, thank you, one and all. I truly appreciate your comments and your "votes."
If someone said to me, "Jake Barnes, what does he write?" I'd flick on a big neon sign pointing to this. *Favorito*
Jake, such a good opening sentence and that it's in 1st person POV says so much about what the man is willing to put right out there. Such a funny last line. Over and over you are able to get a whole story out of so few words. An art.*
And I appreciate you reading my work and your comments on "You Are."