We Have Eskimo Bars
Real men don't screw around in Canada, he confided to the strawberry blonde sitting beside him at the Houston bar. He'd bought her a couple of beers, and her body language said she was interested.
She was built sweeter than the bounce in a Texas two-step. When she leaned closer, it was a wonder he didn't topple off his stool.
“Oh, yeah? My last boyfriend was from Plano, and he was all hat and no cattle. Cheated on me with my best friend, that cow. What makes you guys up in Canada so different?” She took a chug of her Lone Star. He noticed that her full, red lips slid down the neck of the bottle.
Soon it would be last call. If he wanted her naturally horizontal, he'd better get his mojo on.
“Nights up North are wicked cold. We have Eskimo bars. Some of us live in igloos. When we find the right one, we can't risk losing her love.” He held her hand, batted Arctic blue eyes, and said, “Darlin', you have warm hands.”
That won her over. She was ready to ride him like a mechanical bull. “C'mon cowboy. Let's get outta here,” she said. “My place is around the corner. You, my lucky Canadian, won't be needing any heater.”
He paid the bar bill, and they left together. He hummed a few lines from his favourite song, The Maple Leaf Forever.
It was going to be a hot and dirty night.
Fuckin' eh!
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Author's Note
Canadian facts which in Canada-U.S. relations may be lost in translation:
An Eskimo bar is not where Eskimos go for a drink. As Canadian children know, an Eskimo bar is vanilla ice cream sandwiched between two chocolate wafers.
Only a small percentage of Canadians live in igloos. Igloos are for emergencies. They are temporary shelter if stuck in a blizzard, and there is no nearby Tim Hortons coffee shop. ;-)
Other stories by Frank Vander Rasky
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oh, Can-a-da....
...our home and native land!
Thanks for your musical comment, Rene, the opening words of Canada's national anthem! btw, I have fond memories of when I lived in your neck of the woods, on Lake Winnie in the great Granite State of New Hampshire.
On behalf of Texan expatriates everywhere, let me respond:
If a Canadian walks out of a bar in Houston with a beautiful blonde, it means one of two things:
1. She plans to roll him.
2. She's actually a homesick tourist from Wisconsin and really likes his accent, eh?
Hopefully, both, James! Hilarious story, Frank.
And the author's note is just as fun. (Dear God, no nearby Timmie's? Perish the thought...)
The language is great fun: "all hat and no cattle" is one I'll have to remember. FYI, I'm from the part of New Mexico known as Little Texas (an insult, btw), and I'm quite aware of what an Eskimo bar is!
Where do Eskimos go for drinks, then?
I enjoyed this.
James, Kim, Jane, Neil - Thanks for your comments! Glad you enjoyed it! As some Texans might say about this story, “It's not too pretty for nice, but it's great for good.”
Note to myself...Tread softly around Texan expatriates – especially if I’m walking out of a Houston bar in the company of a beautiful blonde. ;)
Agree with Jane - love the language in this story. And the humor!
Funny! Love the Texas two-step line.
sweet and straight shooting. made for http://metazen.ca, me thinks. reminded me of the canadian chap in http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZMwKPmsbWE (at position: 1'33''). also, i'd like you to read this aloud with a canadian accent (IS there a canadian accent?) at some point.
ps. i did know what eskimo bars were and i do have a recurring dream with me and two girls in an igloo as part of a larger emergency-ridden scenario of my life as it never was.
Jules and Cynthia, so glad you joined me for a Texas two-step. Many thanks for the read, and your lovely comments!
Marcus (also known as Fictionaut’s legendary and revered writer Finnegan Flawnt), many thanks for your generous comments, wonderful suggestions, kinky igloo dream, and the fave!
funny and warm, the dialogue is wickedly good, not one unnecessary word, pitch perfect.
Meg, thanks so much for your extremely generous comment! Whenever I need more bounce in my two-step, I’ll re-read it. Thanks also for your fave. Much appreciated!
excellent dialogue, Frank - what fun! Building those cultural connections one 'eh at a time. *
Oh, this is very funny. Lovely story...
Great humor in this. You have have some stellar lines as well - like: a bounce sweeter than a Texas two step. I enjoyed the tag at the end; I could almost hear the guy saying it. Well done, a very enjoyable read.