Ordering a muse over the phone
by Frank Hinton
THE SOUND OF A PHONE BEING ANSWERED AFTER MANY RINGS...
Kendra: Motivational Urge Support Enterprises, my name is Kendra how may I help you?
Frank: Ah, hi, yes. I was just calling about your service, the muse service you provide. I read about it in the paper.
Kendra: Yes, miss, what would you like to know?
Frank: I'm a male, miss.
Kendra: Your caller ID says Francine Hinton.
Frank: That's my mother. I'm calling from my mother's phone.
Kendra: You live with your mother?
Frank: No, I'm just..I'm just at her house for lunch. She has the long distance plan.
Kendra: I see. Okay sir what would you like to know?
Frank: Well, I'd like to inquire about getting a muse. It says in your ad that you provide muses for people who are creatively challenged by their art form.
Kendra: Yes we provide that service.
Frank: Okay, excellent.
Kendra: We would have to ask you some basic questions first though, sir.
Frank: Alright, sure.
Kendra: Okay, wonderful. I'll start. Are you a songwriter, author, poet, playwright, painter, sculptor or other?
Frank: Well, I guess I'm a writer.
Kendra: A songwriter?
Frank: A story writer.
Kendra: So you're an author?
Frank: Well I'm not published.
Kendra: Let's just say you are an author.
Frank: Alright.
Kendra: Excellent. Now, what is your primary mode of composition? Short fiction, long fiction, ballad, serial, blogging or other?
Frank: I guess you could say it is a mix between blogging and short fiction.
Kendra: Alrighty. And how would you describe your literary style? Romance, suspense, mystery etc...
Frank: Maybe, angst-fiction.
Kendra: Angst-fiction?
Frank: Yeah, like, I have a lot of anxiety and I write about it.
Kendra: Okay. Let me continue. Are you currently a habitual drug user, alcoholic or clinically depressed?
Frank: No, no and clinically? No.
Kendra: Are you in a relationship?
Frank: ...no.
Kendra: Describe what you ate during your last three meals.
Frank: Describe what I ate? I don't see how that's relevant.
Kendra: It is the last question, sir.
Frank: What is the purpose of the question?
Kendra: I'm sorry sir, I cannot tell you that. It would defeat the necessary mystique of our muse matching process.
Frank: Alright, I had a boiled egg for breakfast, some canned tuna for lunch and meatloaf for supper.
Kendra: And what did you drink?
Frank: Chocolate milk and coffee.
Kendra: For which meal sir?
Frank: All three.
Kendra: Alrighty. Excellent. Thank you Mr. Hinton, I think we can set you up with somebody. Your profile seems to be shaping up here. Could you please describe your situation in a little more detail?
Frank: Ah sure. I guess I'm just looking for someone to inspire me. Someone to help my writing along, maybe make it a bit more positive? Maybe someone decent looking, I mean, I find my thoughts slow down and I'm able to focus more when I'm around beautiful people. I know this isn't a dating service, and I'm not looking for anything like that. I just want someone who can stimulate my mind, maybe give me some decent conversation.
(A long pause while the sound of keys being typed on passes between the phones)
Kendra: Excellent, alright I have matched you up with one of our more popular muses, his name is-
Frank: Wait a minute his? It's a he?
Kendra: Yes sir. His name is Ramon. He is from Spain. He is a very popular muse. Have you ever heard of The Edible Woman?
Frank: The Margaret Atwood novel? Of course.
Kendra: He helped to inspire her to write that.
Frank: Ramon inspired The Edible Woman?
Kendra: Of course. He gave her the idea of the screaming carrots. He's great with food metaphors.
Frank: I see.
Kendra: Alright, so we have you matched and I've scheduled your first muse-artist meeting for Tuesday afternoon, is this alright?
Frank: Yes.
Kendra: Perfect Mr.Hinton, now if we could just discuss the payment options. Our daily rates start at one hundred dollars a day while or weekly muse visit rates go for about-
Frank: Let me just get my credit card and I'll read you the numbers. This guy better be good.
Fresh with subtle wit. This story made my day. I can't believe I almost missed it.
Oh jeeze thanks, that's so nice to hear Jessica. :)
Has the proper balance of early Woody Allen meets a very good Saturday Night Live skit from any era Frank. The way that you ended the story was the best. Nothing 'neat' and nothing 'profound' - just a man looking for his Muse.
Good piece. Enjoyed it.
Clever. An enjoyable read.
This was so much fun! I love the humor. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks so much all.
How to hook a writer into reading...
Very nicely done!
"weekly muse visit rates"...i shudder with delight. enjoyed this! reminded my of the fantastic 1999 albert brooks movie 'the muse', a favourite of my daughter who sees herself as the muse, i believe. wonderfully meta meta. did you ever notice that inverting m-e-t-a you get the german word for breath, a-t-e-m? and inverting m-u-s-e you get (j)e-s-u-m...so there.
seems angst-like enough. although is the underlying tone one of homophobia or just mere writer's block? i chuckled, but shook my head as well.
Very original and funny. I love that the caller shows up as "Francine" who has the "long distance plan". Hysterical great read!
i totally love this. it hit the spot. i'm sort of a muse. Sort of. Or not. People tell me I am. But that's beside the point. Let me backtrack!
This cracked me up, and the way the woman sterilized and santized the muse concept is such good stuff - hysterical, in how it's nearly pseudo- medical. New Age, unhelpful, stupid, conformity of uniqueness stuff, lacking intuition.... and the guy is already struggling w/ a lovely holiday depression!!
I went on too long, but anyway, this is great.
oh jeeze thanks meg. you didnt go on too long. :)
laughed out loud. great dialog. loved the company name. great opening lines. very real. very in the now.
This is wonderful and dry and funny. I really like how so much of the man's character is shown by such insignificant things - what he has eaten, where he is calling from. I enjoyed the read.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS! It made me howl. It made me stomp. It made me guffaw. It made me smile. Thanks!
This is fantastic! And I have a daughter named Kendra....nice work, Frank.
oh thanks so much everybody...you're all so nice...this is the best day ever.
So funny! And Frank is adorable, he should have women (muses) falling at his feet!
just got off the phone with my credit card company...thank god for this story, I'm laughing...you've "mused" me.
Frank won me with: I have a lot of anxiety and I write about it! and loved it when Kendra went a bit off script with an "Alrighty" at the end of the food question.
I was almost a muse, paid in beer and scrambled eggs, then he said "goddess." Then he said that because of me, he'd have to appear on the Dick Cavett Show, so I quit.
I love this dialogue. Theater may have need of you, too.
Poppin' fresh!
Fantastic dialogue!
I picked your story to try re-fav'ing a fav. Un-fav/re-fav. It works. Encore!
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the necessary mystique--isn't life just like that?