by Ajay Nair
She burps, a burp full of longing and satisfaction, then regards me with an un-shy grin and says, ‘Excuse my French'. She is wearing shades that blend in with the smooth, dark skin of her face and if I didn't know better, I'd think that the shades are her eyes, they are so smooth and black and large and all-seeing.
She leans across the table and tells me a story from her childhood. When she was twelve, she stubbed her little toe hard against the iron leg of a table while pacing around in the dark. She stumbled into the living room where her mother and sister were watching television. She collapsed into a lonely chair and told them about the injury and how it was hurting badly and she moaned softly. Her mother continued to watch her show and then turned to her sister and said, ‘Looks like she's really been hurt.' Her sister, ten years old then and stuffed indiscriminately with baby fat, replied, ‘Yes, it does appear so.' They went back to the show which was about a melodramatic family with the mother dying of ovarian cancer. The son had just told the father that he was gay and they had hugged. She whispers to me, ‘It was as if I was not in the room. It was as if they were conscious of my pain but not of me.'
I look at her in cool contemplation. I tell her that wars are known to have been fought, floods are known to have swept entire cities under water. Once, an elephant contracted a sudden bolt of insanity in the streets of Ernakulam and trampled three children under her feet before she was shot to death. It took them seven bullets to bring her down.
Her full-lipped mouth regards me with a bitter, mirthless smile. She slips one shoe off, slides her chair back, rocks it on to its two hind legs with precise precariousness and lifts her left foot on to the table. Her little toe is grotesque to behold — crooked, misshapen, a mangled lump of brown flesh and white bone.
‘This, my love, is what war looks like'.
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Unpublished.
Looks like this is going pretty good. For me, the excerpted sentence that begins, "Once, an elephant contracted..." feels like the beginning of a story to me, maybe this story, maybe another one.
Sheldon, that's an interesting observation. I meant for this to be self-sufficient, but your comment's making me look at this differently. Thanks for the read, much appreciated.
I like Sheldon's idea here, Ajay. An interesting possiblility for the piece.
I love the careful details and tone, as I have w/ all of your work here, Ajay. I would happily continue on with this story for many more pages.
What Julie said.
Thank you Sam, Julie and Matt. Am working on something that hopefully builds well on this.
This is so good, Ajay. I love it. I love the dry humor that is woven through this ultimately sad, sad story. Love the detail of the television show the mother is watching, a kinder more loving family.
I think you could expand on this, but for me, it works right now.
Kathy, thank you so much for your feedback. I am very glad you enjoyed it.
Wow, there's such heavy philosophy underlying this brief engagement. Love it.
Thank you Susan. As always, appreciate your read and feedback.
Sweetie, I just can't see opening a story called "War" with a woman's belch. There is an interest in showing bodily percussions (this story is but one example I've seen at F'naut), I know.
"Once, an elephant contracted a sudden bolt of insanity in the streets of Ernakulam and trampled three children under her feet before she was shot to death."
Coming to that line was coming to the heart of it somehow.
A-
Don't like the beginning; love the ending. I gave it a star anyway. Lean, powerful writing.
I would think more like 37 bullets.
Seven bullets ain't doodly, in today's world. ;-)
Ajay, very well written. Perfection, although I am know judge. You might want to check out my piece "annies chase" if you havent already. I see a connection between yours and mine.
*no ;)
Ann, thanks for the read. I will even this out by writing something about 'bodily percussions' that begins with a description of a bomb exploding. Maybe that will make amends!
Jack, thank you for that. Glad this got better for you.
Matt, these are powerful bullets! But that's another story.
sara, thank you for the kind feedback. Will definitely check your story out.
my posting disappeared, i'll try again. Ajay this is a powerful piece of flash fiction. I like the clear way you describe things, characters and settings. I was immediately pulled in. the flashback to the elephant was wonderful and helped push the story to its conclusion. very nice work!
Susan, thank you so much, happy you liked this. Elephants are a big deal back in Kerala where my folks hail from. This is known to happen.
Ajay, this has happened twice in two days at F'naut; a story reminds me in a definite way of something I wrote; it's objective but with an objective. (It's called "This Was Called War At One Time" at Black Ice and in their anthology.) Let her belch. War as distant fits better.
very nice, ajay. while anything can be expanded, i wouldn't say this requires it. it's very short length, and thus it's 'inconsequence,' reflects really well the story inside the story. 'inconsequence' in quotes b/c it's slightness is what gives it consequence.
Nice work, Ajay. Like the bit about the elephant as well, blends nicely within the story, sets the tone well. You're very good with detail, just subtle enough.
I might post a story soon I wrote about a dead elephant a few years ago (set in the foothills-India-mussorie maybe-trying to remember now!), be interested in your opinion.
"stuffed indiscriminately with baby fat" -- really good.
It's interesting how you pulled the elephant line as a stand-out because - to echo others - that's really where it is, for me.
And then there's that toe.
Joseph, thanks for the read and comment. I wanted to contract the scene as much as possible and yet, try to say something through the little things. Glad you liked it.
Shelagh, thanks for that. Love your work so definitely look forward to your story. Besides, elephants are important.
Sara, thanks for the read. Then there's the toe of course. And the elephant.
I really liked this. It shifts in a lot of really exciting ways and feels like a keyhole view into a much larger world. Great work.
So much has already been said. I will just say: smooth.
Patrick, thanks for the wonderful comment. Much appreciated.
Katrina, glad you liked this. Thank you so much for reading this.
oh man this is excellent, ajay.
Thanks David.
I am right there, seeing that toe. So real, so well done. I already know I will find it lingering with me!
Ah, Meg, the toe's glad. This comment makes this a good morning. Thank you!
I dig the all-seeing shades.
I will ship them to you, Summer.
Excellent writing, Ajay. I love your descriptions and pacing. This is one of those works that could be expanded but works fine as it is.
Thanks for the read and the appreciation, Christian.
Love the little details you have throughout like the baby fat, and the ending packed a wonderful punch.
Thanks Robb for that.
I really love this, Ajay. I've come back to several times and each reading brings something new.
Marcelle, I am glad you enjoyed this. Appreciate the read!
marvelous, ajay, precisely observed, with a big heart, and (unfortunately) so timely. captivating from the first line. silver bullet.
Thanks FF, your comment makes me feel good. It always seems topical, unfortunately.
I love the simple circumlocution of this piece: her foot, elephant foot, the feet of the tilted chair and the tension in each. Sublte, simple & well told.
Thanks, Johnsienoel. Glad you enjoyed the read and the thread within.
Jey Ajay! Nice work here. I really liked how you used the toe to paint an abstract picture of war
Thanks for the read, Michael. Glad you enjoyed this.
Love that toe--the toe itself and that it is on the table.
Thanks Jane. The toe's happy.
Nice piece of flash. Well done.
Thanks Matthew.
Ajay: For me, the living room setting with the unconcerned Vidiots is the fulcrum of the story -- very concise and precise. Perhaps the title is in there? After all, they were ". . . conscious of my pain but not of me."
I got off to a bumpy start with "a burp full of longing" And in the closer, if the toe injury happened when she was 12, would the flesh still be mangled with white bone showing?
Some polish and the story will be ready to go. Good luck.
Thanks for the read, Ramon. It's a tough, tough injury, what can I say?
Polish, I will.
Hey Ajay -- just came over here for some late-night looking. Stumbled onto this, the title drew me in. And then I read it and thought, hmmm, the way it is now is not quite enough. I mean, it IS enough, of course, because you are a flash-master, and you know what you are doing with all those gorgeous details that make me picture the scene and the dialogue, but it isn't (enough) because I want more. Have you picked this up again? I wonder because I can see it as a longer story, with this scene (or dialogue) about war in a more general sense, switching back and forth between the personal story and other examples of war. More subtle weaving and longer reflections might be quite interesting -- beyond the one para when he tells her that wars are known to have been fought... And I wonder if that would be a good place to start -- him talking about war, her examining her toe, perhaps.
Just ideas here, this is great as is. You always nail the details and the timing.
Michelle, unfortunately, I haven't really worked on this since though I intended to. I wrote a (sort of) companion piece - Peace-keeping - which is up here on Fictionaut as well. Maybe I should think about this more. Thanks for the read, always appreciate your comments.
Fine understatement of how thinking about war invades mundane life.