Almighty Pink Slip
by Teresa Cortez
I fired God today. He wasn't showing up for work, slept through meetings, wrote ambiguous memos and killed too many innocents. Things just weren't working out. So I called him into my office where it took him a while to get settled. The orange vinyl chair didn't suit him so he waved an Eames in its place. After he asked for a cup of water (just to make my life difficult) he said he needed to go to the bathroom. That took a while. When he finally returned he fell into the Eames with dramatic flair and gave me one of those looks God always gives, a display of indignation that hisses, Why are we wasting my precious time? As if he won't live forever.
I had to take control of the meeting so I said, "You know why you're here." Which he did, being omniscient. Then came the waterworks. Good grief, I felt so manipulated. What was I supposed to do? I handed him a box of Kleenex as I pushed a teetering skyscraper of reports across my desk, "You've been written up 794,000,001 times this year alone. If I let you get away with crap, I have to let everyone get away with crap. But no -- if they screw up it's Dante's inferno or worse. Now where's the fair in that? It's time for you to be accountable, mister."
He didn't remark on the damning paperwork nor did he say goodbye. He just stormed out of my office (literally), taking with him both the Eames and the picture we'd taken together in Maui last summer. I thought of Steve Martin in The Jerk.
I've gotten calls from prospective employers already and am unable to answer their cloaked question regarding "eligibility for rehire". I can tell you one thing for damn sure - he won't be working here anymore. He took advantage, never cleaned up after himself, claimed "mysteriousness" and shit. Since when have murderers and white collar crooks been able to use that line? "My behavior is a mystery. Have faith in the mystery." It didn't work for Dahmer or Enron.
I never understood why such a ubiquitous omnipotent guy found it so difficult to return my calls. Why does he bother to work at all? He's a power addict, that's why. He can wave a hot dog or foie gras into being any time he wants, but he wants us to speak in tongues. That's his entertainment. He actually has what he calls "Moron Movie Night" with popcorn, Diet Black Cherry Shasta and Milk Duds. He laughs his ass off. He invited me over once for a show with cast members from Joy Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC. The women were competing for air time, shoving each other out of the way. There was even a fatality. His film library is full of similar scenes. I didn't get his humor but focused on the dark goo of Dud adhered to his left canine which inspired adequate laughter. He was so caught up in his own amusement he never noticed my deception, or so I choose to believe.
Love the opening lines - well done.
Great opening to a hilarious story.
Well, someone had to do it!
Okay, now, do something about the President, will you?
Like Jerry said, it had to be done. You certainly had grounds. However, you gave him my chair, and that cannot be forgiven. Fine read, Teresa. Funny, smooth, well presented, and lots to agree with, too.
great work teresa! really loved it. humourous and profound together. much to ponder there. he is a very sneaky guy, and i don't think he could answer the questions, thus the mystery piece. but you definately had his number. i also think he has attention deficit disorder to say the least. great write!
I am surprised that God would choose Milk Duds. They're really hard on your teeth.
My fave line (spoken with withering sarcasm):
As if he won't live forever.
If you were going to write a piece about crisis of faith, you chose well to use humor. I would have loved to watch while you wrote this. I would have topped off your wine glass and wiped your brow.
Not only funny, incisive and (as one would expect) deliciously well-written it is also wide-ranging and current. Much to enjoy, but the second paragraph was wonderful. As was this start to my Saturday - thanks T!
Diet Black Cherry Shasta and Milk Duds? Jesus Christ! What's next? Spaghetti and peanut butter? That guy is disgusting!
you gotta watch your back with guys, er, Guys, like this around, particularly when they're sugared up and craving entertainment...in general they're bad company and hopelessly unemployable, best to put them on the dole, but then, as you say: where's the fair in that? It's time for you to be accountable, mister. Fun and well done...particularly the little touch of paranoia...never noticed my deception or so I choose to believe.
Thanks for this gloriously funny piece!
Wonderfully sardonic. *
Congratulations on a top notch performance. I had little idea you were posting anything here. I get so few comments that I hardly ever look in. I remember when you signed up and thought you would be shy to post.
Now I see you are as strong as ever. This is the kind of work that keeps you at the top of my list of must reads.
Glad you gave The Big Guy a good talking to. I'm not ready to fire Him yet myself, but maybe He'll keep on His toes after this.
oh man. too much great humor in one tiny piece. Thanks for this read! Fave.
Love it, T, but then you knew I would. The closing paragraph is my favorite. You rock, girl.
Fun idea!
This was absolutely great! I loved it. The way it started was good and grabbed my attention right away. This made me laugh some.
So great. Funny and original and well executed. Fave.