They all looked for Vic's leg after the accident. His truck had skimmed a cedar tree, sliced the door right off with half of Vic's leg. Sheered it off just above the knee, a lovely clean cut as if a surgeon had sat alongside him in the car. The rescue men milled around, stiff coats and heavy tools knocking about, nodding and blinking at one another in the dusk light and then William came down and thought he'd have a look around, thought Vic would appreciate him looking for the leg but he was concerned now as he flicked about bits of red steel and broken glass with his foot, worried that him seeing Laura would most likely stop now as Vic was limbless and surely she would go back to him—a cripple now, it always worked that way and she would nurse him back and certain tender moments would arise out of pity and whatnot.
There would be hot soup brought on trays, afternoons watching mechanic shows on TV and the meeting in the woods near her house would end, slippery dips in the bucket seat of her car and that weekend in Jersey; the musty room, plastic chips sweating in their hands and she wasn't a very pretty woman, lipstick always sloppy, blouses dull and thin but she had a mousy glow—a freckled superiority he liked to think and they chatted about evolution and steamboats and she really could chat, really get the fire going. But lately he really wondered about it all and he seemed wise on indecision and what form he should really take, her eyes wandered lately and a certain rage seemed to swim between them and sometimes he wondered if he was stupid, really did she think him stupid, his views not warranted? She laughed at him and his inability, his inability to coax certain charms from her.
He stumbled down the ravine and kicked stones and twigs and fell hard against a boulder—a sudden, sharp pain hit his shoulder but he picked himself up, heavy bones and body, fat that Laura pawed and patted. His foot knocked something thick and pliant—the leg. A stocky, pale calf covered in dark hair, the sneaker and sock still on, the wide, wine-colored birthmark near the knee that Laura hated so much. He pushed it down the ravine and watched it jerk wildly down the slope—the surface of the cut, a mottled red in the pale light, rushing against the thick weeds, collecting brush and rock.
i love the way this narrator's motivation to keep his love alive sneaks through in every area, the bruise of losing this woman and how ugly it is to watch, yet true. This is so good. I love phrases that you use uniquely like "freckled superiority" that catches me and I can so see her, mousy but freckled and glowing to him. Also love "and a certain rage seemed to swim between them". So much to love here.
Still fine with the spectacular revenge at the end. A terrific piece.
Thanks, Meg & David, always appreciate comments form you two!
this is so damn good. I'm sorry I don't have something more eloquent to offer - too blown away for proper comment. *
Best first sentence I've read in awhile. And then, it's just so great from there. Tremendous final image. Love this, Shelagh. *
Thanks, Julie! No need for weighty comments, just glad you liked it!
Yikes! Wow! So well executed and so powerful.
Best *last* sentence I've read in a while.
"—the surface of the cut, a mottled red in the pale light, rushing against the thick weeds, collecting brush and rock."
!
Thanks, Kathy!
Thank you, Jeanne!
Thanks, Matt! I played around with that one for a while.
Agree with Matt. Superb ending. You've done a magnificent job tracing the thoughts and emotion that led to it.
Like the wind-up and pitch for a strike three, last out, bottom of the ninth.
Really admire how you’ve written this.
Thanks, James & I like your baseball metaphor...
Thank you, Kari!
A parable of human insecurity and jealousy, neatly written.
great piece, loved it, made me read it several times. language used to the fullest here. the piece is filled with allusions and that particular vagueness ("...and whatnot") that can begin to dominate relationships in the presence of clear danger or bereavement. great cadenza at the end. in the foreground, like the scream in munch's painting: the leg.
thanks Katie & Marcus, appreciate your lovely comments!
thinking maybe it can be a tad longer, feels cut off to me like the poor leg(ha ha)
this could definitely go on, no doubt. esp if you can still feel the leg after it's been cut off.
"freckled superiority"
Excellent!
"as Vic was limbless"--suggests to me no limbs at all which is not the case here. Even "legless" is not quite right. I'd go for precision in this sentence particularly.
The ending! How interesting to read against the William Stafford poem about the pregnant deer.
Ever read the Kawabata story "One Arm"?--a masterpiece! [It in the collection House of Sleeping Beauties.]
Thanks Bill!
Love William stafford, don't remember that one, will look it up, more comments on your wall!
Really well written, so original and compelling a story. I didn't expect the ending and thought you made a good choice. Wonderful work.
Loved his inner monologues, very real, all of this.
*
Thank you, Susan!
This is so wonderful -- LOVE that "freckled superiority" and how you close this out with "rock."
Thanks so much, Sara, glad you liked it!
"a mousy glow--a freckled superiority" these little details--"the wine-colored birthmark" on the sheered off leg--are wonderful. And yes that final act is so perfect. And horrible. Send to Noir group? *
"freckled superiority"--great and the middle paragraph is such an cross-section of insight into the relationship.
Jane & Phoebe, thank you! don't we all wish we had a freckled superiority? I do.
What a cool story. Such vivid descriptions (I'm jealous). Awesome ending...made me like this even more!
Thank you, Jules!
Oh, this is horrifically good in every sense of the phrase!