Mr. Creeping Hands, Gum-Popping Granny and Crabby Newspaper Guy: Welcome To Your Local Library
by Roz Warren
At the library where I work, we have an incredibly challenging patron whose imperious demands, unpleasant attitude and relentless sense of entitlement annoy and depress us all so much that we've nicknamed her “Sunshine.”
(Never to her face of course. Only when we're commiserating about our encounters with her behind her back.)
Giving difficult patrons funny nicknames is a “library thing.” Why? Library work can be stressful, and humor is a coping mechanism. Our job requires that we be gracious and helpful, no matter how unpleasant you are to us. But after you leave? That's another story.
When I asked my fellow library workers to share some of the names they've given their most annoying and/or notable “customers” over the years, they came up with the following:
Captain Underpants (who doesn't wear any…)
Gun Totin' Granny (We're an open carry state.)
Racist Mr. Magoo
Sir Wanksalot a.k.a. Mr. Happypants (because of his antics at our public internet computers.)
Crabby Newspaper Guy (he throws a fit if the daily paper isn't waiting for him when he arrives)
The Cowboy (hat, vest and no shirt)
Chair Guy (He always carries around a folding chair)
Mr. Creeping Hands
Sleeping Beauty (He comes to the library to snooze.)(And snore.)
Diaper Man (Don't ask…)
Pajamas man. (Self explanatory.)(No underwear, either.)
Angry Sam Waterston
Sad-faced Ron Weasley
Shouting Speakerphone Lady
The Weatherman (He phones each day to ask us to read him the weather forecast.)
Gum-popping Granny
The Wicked Bitch of the West (We've never seen her smile.)
Madame Pineapple (because she's crazier than a fruit basket)
Prince Valium
Trump Wench
Mr. Dawdles (Always has to be the last patron out the door, usually several minutes after closing time.)
Has your local librarian has given you a snarky nickname? It could be worse. The baddest apples usually get called by their full names, because we've had to write them up repeatedly. The fact that you have a nickname means that your antics may be challenging, but they aren't (yet) illegal.
If you're a tough library customer, perhaps your New Year's Resolution can be to turn over a new leaf, so that when you come to the library in 2018, your librarian will actually be happy to see you instead of wanting to hide under her desk.
And if not? We've got a name for you.
(Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library, both of which you should buy immediately.)
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Author's Note
This humor piece first appeared on www.humoroutcasts.com
Other stories by Roz Warren
- Congratulations On Your New Diagnosis! (Greeting Cards for People With Mental Problems)
- You're Gay? I'm Not Surprised. But Thanks For Telling Me!
- Would You Ask A Librarian For A Lap Dance?
- ORSON SCOTT CART, MEET LOUISA MAY ALCART: TOP TWENTY NICKNAMES LIBRARIANS HAVE GIVEN TO BOOK CARTS
- You Have Something I Don't Have
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LMAO...
LOL...yes, we named our more unusual patrons, too, and came up with a game called "Patron Charades"...we try to impersonate a patron and staff has to guess who it is. We've gotten pretty damn good.
*, Roz. I always enjoy your humor.
Public service is difficult- very difficult.
"Patron Charades" is brilliant.
But titling and cataloguing, isn't that a Librarians job?
I don't know about this in my experience as a patron of libraries. Usually the librarian has exceptional knowledge and is pleased to have a patron who challenges it. But then I've had a privileged life in the library department: Chicago main PL; Sibley Music LIbrary, at the Eastman School of Music; various Yale libraries; and of course the NY Public library at 42nd street and at Lincoln Center; and the Brooklyn Public at Grand Army Plaza, my local library for 32 years.
Completely drawn into this piece *
At the library where I work, we have an incredibly challenging patron whose imperious demands, unpleasant attitude and relentless sense of entitlement annoy and depress us all so much that we've nicknamed her “Sunshine.”
(Never to her face of course. Only when we're commiserating about our encounters with her behind her back.)
Giving difficult patrons funny nicknames is a “library thing.” Why? Library work can be stressful, and humor is a coping mechanism. Our job requires that we be gracious and helpful, no matter how unpleasant you are to us. But after you leave? That's another story.
Yes, dealing with the PUBLIC is one of life's challenges. I work part-time in a supermarket deli and it's easy for me to believe most of your patrons also often visit with me! And I can't wait for Mr. or Ms. Weirdo to leave just so we can kill them with laughter.