I'd Be Happy To Date You When Hell Freezes Over -- One Single Librarian's Collection Of Online Dating Profile Turnoffs

by Roz Warren

Shirtless pics. 

Headless pics. 

Bathroom selfies

Gym selfies. 

Anything camo or Trump-related. 

Any photo of a guy with a fish or a dead deer. 

Spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. (I can't help it -- I think less of men who use “it's” when they mean “its.”) 

Photos of a man standing next to a truck, car or boat. Or even worse -- a photo of just the car, truck or boat! (Dude - I don't want to date your boat.)

Anything referencing genitalia, euphemistically or otherwise, mine or his. “Bigboy69.” “Pussylover.” “Sir Lickitalot.“ No. Just no. 

Overly cute usernames. (Such as? Any username that includes “4U.”) 

“Legally separated.“ (As far as I‘m concerned, “legally separated” just means “I'm not really single but I want to act as if I am.”) 

Cliches. “Likes to take long walks on a sunset beach.” I'd love to live in Malibu but I live in suburban Philadelphia. There are no beaches here.    

Anyone whose hobbies are “huntin' fishin' and 4-wheelin.” (a.k.a.  “the country boy trifecta.”)

Weird facial hair. (Including, but not limited to, mutton chop sideburns,  mammoth lumberjack beards  and the dreaded curlicue moustache.) 

Photos that include an ex-wife or girlfriend. (Especially if her face has been scribbled out. If you do that, you don‘t need a girlfriend. You need a therapist.) 

And the absolute worst? Guys in their 60s who will only date women in their 20s and 30s.

If you're a woman who is  online dating, feel free to add to this list in the comments section. If you're a man who is online dating, feel free to edit your profile accordingly. (And if you're an intelligent, funny single man in his 60s who would never dream of including any of these things in his own online dating profile? Get in touch.) 

(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library, both of which you should buy immediately.)