"I'd Be Happy To Date You When Hell Freezes Over -- One Single Librarian's Collection Of Online Dating Profile Turnoffs" by Roz Warren

I'd Be Happy To Date You When Hell Freezes Over -- One Single Librarian's Collection Of Online Dating Profile Turnoffs

Shirtless pics.

Headless pics.

Bathroom selfies

Gym selfies.

Anything camo or Trump-related.

Any photo of a guy with a fish or a dead deer.

Spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. (I can't help it -- I think less of men who use “it's” when they mean “its.”)

Photos of a man standing next to a truck, car or boat. Or even worse -- a photo of just the car, truck or boat! (Dude - I don't want to date your boat.)

Anything referencing genitalia, euphemistically or otherwise, mine or his. “Bigboy69.” “Pussylover.” “Sir Lickitalot.“ No. Just no.

Overly cute usernames. (Such as? Any username that includes “4U.”)

“Legally separated.“ (As far as I‘m concerned, “legally separated” just means “I'm not really single but I want to act as if I am.”)

Cliches. “Likes to take long walks on a sunset beach.” I'd love to live in Malibu but I live in suburban Philadelphia. There are no beaches here.

Anyone whose hobbies are “huntin' fishin' and 4-wheelin.” (a.k.a. “the country boy trifecta.”)

Weird facial hair. (Including, but not limited to, mutton chop sideburns, mammoth lumberjack beards and the dreaded curlicue moustache.)

Photos that include an ex-wife or girlfriend. (Especially if her face has been scribbled out. If you do that, you don‘t need a girlfriend. You need a therapist.)

And the absolute worst? Guys in their 60s who will only date women in their 20s and 30s.

If you're a woman who is online dating, feel free to add to this list in the comments section. If you're a man who is online dating, feel free to edit your profile accordingly. (And if you're an intelligent, funny single man in his 60s who would never dream of including any of these things in his own online dating profile? Get in touch.)

(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library, both of which you should buy immediately.)

Mathew Paust, Oct 28, 2017

So if I take all of those things off my profile and tell you a joke that's guaranteed to make you pee your pants, you'll go fishing with me? Ooops...

Gary Hardaway, Oct 28, 2017

Sad state of the world today.

Dianne McKnight-Warren, Oct 28, 2017

Entertaining! I recently saw a singles ad that started with, "I like long walks to the liquor store."

Gita M. Smith, Oct 28, 2017

I am in prison but I'll be out in 2019.

Invitation to "fellowship" at Our Lady of Fill in the Blank. Fellowship is not now, nor will it ever be, a verb.

A requirement that I be Caucasian. I happen to be Caucasian, but do not want to meet someone for whom that is a deal-breaker/maker.

Bill Yarrow, Oct 28, 2017

How do I love this? Let me count the ways!
*

David James, Oct 29, 2017

*, Roz. And, if you eliminate him for enjoying this humorous and well-written piece? Well, you're no fun.

Nonnie Augustine, Oct 29, 2017

*All of the items on your list, Gita's list, Dianne's liquor store walk guy, and I'll add those too-good-to-be-true hucksters. You know, healthy, wealthy, wise, looking for serious partner to travel the world with me or, alternatively, retreat from same world in a mountain cabin or on the yacht I plan to buy any day now.