by Matt Potter
“Your gums will be red raw and a perfect entry point for HIV,” she said. “Never clean your teeth beforehand if you're going to suck cock.”
I shrank into the kitchen chair. It was 1989. I was seventeen. Two minutes earlier I'd told her I thought I was gay.
“Are you fucking anyone, Dudley?”
She was a sexual health nurse. And, unfortunately, my mother.
“Are you a bottom or a top?”
My eyes stared blankly and my lips clamped shut, stilling the screaming voice inside.
“First impressions really count. You need to make up your mind.”
I shifted in the chair. My mother's favourite child-rearing mantra — I can talk to my children about anything — was swallowing me whole.
“No one likes an indecisive sexual partner.”
Oh, I definitely knew I was gay, but my sexual experience amounted to nothing beyond constant furious masturbation and watching men's gymnastics on television. In practical terms, I didn't know one end of a hard-on from another.
“It's a big world out there, and there are plenty of cute, well-hung men just waiting to get into your trousers, sweetie.”
She had never called me sweetie before.
She hummed. “Maybe I should give you my old dildo to practice with.”
I stood up. I left the room. I walked outside and down the driveway and to my best friend Daren's house. And vowed to learn all I could about menopause, and assault her with the hair-raising facts just after her first hot flush.
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This story was originally written for and published as part of '52 / 250 - A Year in Flash' Week #11 - theme: red meat.
oh man. definitely made me laugh.
That *was* funny. Mother's a great character/voice. Could do more with this.
Thanks - to you both. Yes, the mother is definitely a bit of a ball-breaker, or maybe just a go-getter in a weird way. This would be enough for some poor young man to go back into the closet and never come out. And I always had the idea she would want her dildo back too, perhaps after buying him one for his 18th birthday!
Matt -
I agree with Matt D - mother is a great character/voice and definitely worthy of further exploration. Your comment - kid goes back into the closet... so funny, sad, but funny!
This is cringe-worthy but also endearing that a mother would be so concerned.
Hilarious.
Good writing, dialogue, and characters; creative approach to the topic; worthy of further exploration, agreed.
It's been a LONG time, but makes me think of the mother in World According to Garp.
Perhaps she would be the kind of mother who would offer advice to her son's partners too ... can you imagine her offering sexual advice to Dudley's first boyfriend? And maybe the boyfriend would like her too .. ha ha, that could be funny.
This makes me hoot each time I've read it!
Danke ... a sweet, supportive comment