by Matt Potter
I'm squatting naked over the hand mirror, feet cold on the terrazzo floor, looking at my winking arsehole. It reminds me of her face: eyes sloe, nose tiffed, lips harrumphing. And the badge bobbing above her right breast: ‘Tiahna — your friendly trainee'.
I glop the paintbrush in the crab lotion and slather it on my hole, perineum, under my balls. I favour broad strokes — no pointless pointillism — but stab the cracks and folds precisely. The crab lotion tingles and burns, stinging all senses.
And I have my entire body to go! Arms, chest, stomach, underarms, back, pubic hair, legs, feet, toes.
Yes, I am that hairy. Yes, the crabs have taken over.
EARLIER
Tiahna — factory-fresh, rust-free, go-go-figured circa nineteen year-old Norwood Chemist junior — inched the Benzemul Application bottle from the top shelf.
“Do you sell paintbrushes too?” I asked.
She handed the bottle to me, nostrils glaring.
My head steamed. “I might be forty-nine but I can still get crabs!” I said. “Which you get from fucking.”
Distaste churned in her face.
“I'm infested with pubic lice,” I spat. “I need a lot of paintbrushes to apply this stuff. Although a dipping vat would be better, but I bet you don't sell vats either.”
Tiahna shook her head, scanning and bagging the Benzemul bottle.
LATER
I unfold to a stand, forty-nine year-old knees cracking. Swapping to a broader brush, I slather my chest. Then stop.
A paint roller would work so much better. And I'm scratching to see Tiahna again.
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This story was written for Week #22 of '52 / 250 A Year of Flash' (theme: the brutality of friends). It fascinates me that as people age, their tastes in sex and their sexuality changes. And how younger people (and I was once one of them!) can view older people's sexuality as unnecessary or unwanted or even unimagined or thought of. Hmm ... and shops are full of unimpressed assistants.
What an *interesting* piece...
;-)
At first I thought crab lotion was something like crab boil.
This is really funny and well done!
Ha ha ... yes, interesting! No, crab lotion is crab killer! Thanks for reading.
I agree with Matt -- great piece!
Oh Matt, this really made me smile. You used some great words in this -- harumphing, sloe. Nice. Peace *