How To Tell If He's A Psycho (Online Edition)

The Modern Gal's Guide to Avoiding an Untimely and Potentially Messy Demise at the Hands of a Dreamy Social Media Serial Killer

Girls, we all know that if he's got a well in his basement, it's best to give him a polite brush off. But how can you tell when you meet him on the tweeter that he intends to lure you into a dark alley and do unspeakable things to your person that will leave you dead in a pool of your own blood? Aside from smearing your mascara, destroying your freshly manicured fingernails, and pulling up your skirts in an unladylike way, being slain is a drag! How do you know if murder is on his mind when all you see are his words? What Facebook clues give away the fact that he tucks his naughty bits up between his legs and dresses up like his dead mother?

This is a pesky problem. But don't worry! My handy guide will help you navigate the murky waters of the Internet and avoid the sharks. Your Auntie Lynn's been around the block a few times. I present five signs that the hunk you're chatting with might only want you for your body -- literally!


Pay attention to:
Romeo makes lots of typos

Why this is a bad sign:
He's replaced his hand with a series of razor sharp blades. Or maybe  he's busy serial killing another gal at this very moment! Not only is that a bad sign, it's rude. Why isn't he focusing on you?

Pay attention to:
Your Lothario wants to exchange recipes, as long as they contain "meat."

Why this is a bad sign:
It could just be that he's a meat and potatoes gent, in which the only real danger is his high cholesterol. But it could also mean he wants to eat your liver. Try to talk him into becoming a vegetarian, at least for a few weeks.

Handy tip: Rumor has it that in addition to being healthier, vegetarians are, well, more tasty, if you know what I mean. When put the right way, it can be a persuasive argument.

Pay attention to:
Mr. Darcy laughs when you relate the sad story of your dachshund, Schatzi, meeting his demise under the wheels of an ice cream truck driven by a clown. To this day, clowns terrify you.

Why this is a bad sign:
So cold and callous! He might or might not be a serial killer, but he's no gentleman. You can do better. Flush him like a dead goldfish in a toilet.

Pay attention to:
Your Rhett Butler frequently uses violent words like "decapitate" and "eviscerate" and "disembowel."

Why this is a bad sign:
Unless he's a butcher or a taxidermist, end it. Actually, end it anyway. Even if he's not a serial killer, he's going to suck in the sack.

Pay attention to:
Sir Lancelot doesn't mind that you're pleasantly plump. In fact, he wants you to eat up. He likes his women large and lucious.

Why this is a bad sign:
He seems too good to be true! Could be he really does just love your inner beauty. But it's possible he wants to make a girl suit out of your skin. Bonus points if he suggests you use sunscreen and surprises you with a gift of expensive moisturizer.

My darlings, these are just a few of the many signs that your online dreamboat wants to get all stabby on your fine self. Be aware and be safe, my lovelies. Your skin looks a lot better on you than on him.