My eHarmony Profile

by Larry Strattner


I'm up to my ass in social media.

Get all my facts from Wikipedia.

Threw out my World Book


Practicing as a stand- up comedian,

I hired a houseboy who's blatantly Fijian,

lacking a suitably qualified Asian.


In dark I troll meat markets as a chameleon,

wrapped in a cloak of my logic, Hegelian.

I have an assortment of prurient thoughts,

most of them pilfered, none of them bought.

I've never done things I suppose that I ought,

Power, in my view, was born to be fought.

You might call me footloose, a raging bohemian,

I'm definitely not an Aristotelian.


My psyche is cluttered with points and clicks.

My girlfriends have called me a facetious dick.

Do I not bleed if so thoughtlessly pricked?

Who is she anyway, offering such slights,

when she could give Cyclops himself quite a fright?


So I stumble around in this bit-driven world,

feeling a dervish, twisted and whirled,

folded and stapled, chiseled and knurled,

shrieking, a bagpipe too hastily skirled.

I don't know about you, but I've had quite enough

of this under-the-table avatar stuff.


Give me a paper and pencil, my dear --

I'll draw you a picture of peeling veneer.