Last Night

I want to sleep

though I've only been awake

for 9 or so hours today

so he gives me one quarter

of one of his sleeping pills.

Unconciousneess beats

consciousness for me

lately. I don't like

waking up alone in this

big house, only dogs

for company. I miss when

I used to have dreams I'd feel

sad to wake up from, these days

they're all nightmares, all anxiety

dreams, all stressful. In many

of them I am on the run from

someplace, someone, something.

The scale isn't going down,

though I've been eating less

& walking more. I step

on it each morning, roll my eyes

at the number, get on with whatever

it is I have on my list to do

that day. I wish I had

someone to read all of these

messy words, to help me make sense

of it, to tell me it's not all garbage.

He should be home early today,

that's what the schedule said,

but the schedule has a tendency

to be wrong. He'll probably be home

later than usual, even. A dinner scheduled

at one of the surgeons he's studying

under's house this week. I'll be the only wife,

the only non-medical person there. If

they are all speaking medicine & I

start speaking French - how

rude am I? Would they understand then

what it is to be entirely left out

of the conversation, unseen?