Be Careful What You Wish For

by Jerry Ratch

I got my new dog today, 

a toy terrier, as advertised, 

from an online retailer, 

and printed him or her, 

I'm not sure which, 

because of an inherent glitch 

built into the system, 

on my new 3-D printer, 

but as you might have guessed, 

there are more than a few 

problems. For starters, 

it was totally unclear from the 

get-go pack included 

that this one in particular 

was going to be a bitch. 

Apparently I hit the wrong switch. 

Also, I thought I was buying 

one of those new-fangled 

“barkless” dogs, when in fact 

all that switch does is 

make her bark less. 

The all-night yapping 

is a big problem 

in my apartment building. 

My neighbors do not appreciate 

loud-mouthed bitches, at all, 

and now me and my new bitch 

are facing possible eviction. 

Worse, she is apparently capable of 

mouthing off a foul-mouthed string 

of curses, in any language you choose. 

I purposely set her on Chinese lately 

to throw some amount of confusion 

and doubt into the mix, 

especially when the police arrive. 

Thank God there's no dog poop to 

deal with, however. So there is some 

good news in all of this. 

No plastic bags tied around your belt 

while trying to figure out who, 

exactly, was the master, 

and why you love this animal