Band Member

by Jerry Ratch


If I had one of those, she said, I'd never get anything done.

So naughty.

Now my bones get goose-bumps too.


We were playing in my rock group Spotty Behavior,

and she was lead singer in The Young Vaginas,

fronting for a band called The Cherry Pickers.


We were fronting for Knee Jerk Reaction.

They were one-of-a-kind

and angry at everything.


Colleen was her name and she was

four fingers wide. Once she took my virginity

what else was there?


Now all I have is the

memory of past wives

I never married.


Pork Belly Futures was my next band.

Then ever onward to the rest.

Pizza Nights. Diverted Flight. Sex Cells.


Ransom Note. Fluke. Hard Ass.

It Takes a Cookie.

OBT — Other Bitch Test.


Salt Lick. Morning After. Plan B.

Upchuck. Codgermobile. Fortune Cookie.

Monkey's Ass. Dumbfounded. Full Time Job.


Bon Appetite. Flummoxed. Orgasm.

To-Do List. Dress Barn. Crop Circle.

RuBarb. Drunk Wagon. Scattin' Island.



Big Toe and the Hair Curlers.

Puppy Breath. Kitty Litter. Spotted Banana.

General Crap. Area 51. Bathroom Vanity.


Great Dane and the Weimaraners.

Fed Up. 3 Good Hubcaps. Her Majesty Hairdo.

Rare Giraffes. Hot Weather Lady. Sledge Hammer.


Table Hopping. Bunny Bacon. Stranger Than God.

Weak Pockets. Raised Knees. Holy Socks.

Seat of the Pants. Pregnant. Petting Zoo.


Back Seat Dodge. Floozy. Generous Member.

Junior Skank. Digital Forest. Killing Trees.

Party Girl. Whose Ur Hog Friend. Pain In the Neck.


South Pork. All My Muffin. One Night Stand.

One Song Wonders. No Clue. Cigar Sex.

Merry Widow Pranksters. Lamborghinis On Fire. 15 Minutes of Fame.


Oh, yeah, and then there was Bad Rap.

And Bum Rap too.

Not to mention Stiff Slinky.