Abandon
by Jerry Ratch
They left the breath of their souls
upon the lips of others
and jumped in with all abandon
They felt the winds on their skin
as the heart flew by them
on its way into the lost nature of time
You could hear them leaping from
the edges of inner space
and the surprise, almost surprise
as the breath rushed through them
like an unknown wind among hot
feathery points of the stars
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This does what I like best in poetry. It's a nice single serving atmospheric feeling. I have a few issues with the scheme in stanza two. It feels off sound-wise switching from plural winds to singular skin and then following the singular heart.
Stanza three was the only stanza I could have done without. The rest of the imagery in the piece pops. Feathery stars is great, and the first image about breath is killer, but in Stanza three I feel like the onion/layers line and even country of the soul end up a little flat in comparison to the rest of the piece.
I like "riding the onion layer by layer" a lot, but I have to agree with Scott. Without stanza three, the thing's a dynamo.
Throw the onion into another poem.
Nice poem, Jerry!
Thanks, Scott and Bill!
Love the first stanza... I agree with Scott and Bill, lose the third stanza. If you do that, then this poem is amazing! Whew!
Okay, okay, it's gone! Whoosh!
So glad you did that. Now it is so strong and amazing. Yes, I just had to say that again!
Thank you!