Wasps' Nest
by Jake Barnes
Here's how you do it. First you get a ladder, a long one. Then you get a golf club or a broom. Hang onto your weapon with one hand as you climb the ladder. When you are within striking distance, stop. Check the nest. Are there wasps coming in and out? If so, launch the attack. Give the nest a smack with your weapon. Knock it down if you can. If you can't, get off the ladder; get your feet on the ground so that you can run. Climb down, jump. Get down any way you can.
Do not open the screen door to the cabin. Do not let the wasps inside. If you do, head immediately for the front door of the cabin. Exit. Run to the lake and jump in. Hold your breath. Stay under water until the angry wasps go away. If you come up for air, they will sting you. Of course if you do not, you will drown.
Hope against hope that no family members or friends witness your brave but misguided assault. Pray that no one has a camera handy. Do not tell anybody about your escapade. If you do, you are in for a long summer. Everybody in town will hear about it, and they will never let you forget about it. Never.
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Author's Note
From my little manual of household hints.
Jake, this is a good story and great advice about getting rid of wasps. If one can thrice do this without being stung does one win a pushcart or a prize or something?
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You should also do it at dusk. They're drowsy then.
I thought you were writing about WASPS, not the insect. Hard to stand your ground with an angry wasp.
PS: A cold aerosol slows them down, but it's hand-to-hand.
My personal experience with wasps has been to smash them before they have a chance to do harm particularly if one comes in the house. They are scary, particularly when you have outright stalked and threatened them and made it a mission to pulverize them. That's when they get angry. Just sayin'.
Entomological and sociological insights in a very neat little package.
Good piece, Jake. "Hope against hope..." Yes. Enjoyed the read.
I found this very funny, indeed. Methinks you know this one intimately. I know, sick sense of humor... :)
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I'm thinking this may actually have been a near-experience you've had? Next time, should there ever be such: wait until it is dark and cool. The wasps now inactive in those conditions. Go up the ladder with a pillow case, wearing gloves, Quickly wrap the pillow case around the nest and pull it off. Tie the case and throw it in the truck. Stop by a bridge and toss the pillow case in.
I see that you are also working on flash fiction (or memoir). I have appreciated your comments on my work. I am returning to Fictionaut after a long break. I will get back to reciprocating. It looks to me like there are a lot less people reading and commenting than there used to be. What's up?
Good one, Jake. Anyway, where would be the fun if you did it right?
Good advice with a sense of humor. Stay safe.*
All this advice about what not to do. I love it. Obviously, all the planning and advice does not work. Nothing works. Great.
Thanks to y'all. I appreciate the kind and helpful comments.
The end of aggressive curiosity. Damn, those family vacations where the stings give you away. In the interest of ending the piece where it's alive, brave, and not yet defeated, I might recommend switching the last two grafs. Because I hate how families squash risk.