Oaxaca Dreamland
by Greg Davis
A suited man creeps from the edge of a crooked house smiling at her in an underbite. Because she's so young, because she's a tourist on her own, he says, “Allow me to warn you - certain tipos around here may try to rob you.” He tells her of a safe motel. She thinks she trusts this man; she wants to trust him. His face reminds her of a man who once took care of her on an airplane when she was a kid traveling by herself. “They'll take you any way they can,” the man says. “Don't believe a word they say.” He asks the girl where she's from and listens politely, though a rabid dog is barking nearby at an old woman carrying too many bags of groceries. Assuming the man knows local custom, the girl ignores the dog as well. Still, the barking makes her wish to escape. She asks the man if he knows anywhere to get a drink. A few beers may help her recover the language she's forgotten. But then, what does she make of the black and white striped saloon that her host now crawls into or the teeth that line the doorway?
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Author's Note
This is a piece that goes back 10 years or so. I'm trying to find a way to add more substance or story to it so any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.
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Don't worry about substance. In a piece like this, substance can only impede the mood.
I like it as it stands, quite close to an unpredictable edge.
favorito
I like this a lot as is, also. But I would sure read more. Maybe give us another short piece: maybe from the pov of whoever is in that wonderful saloon; or from the creepy suited man; there's the woman with too many groceries; or just continue the story. What *does* she make "of the black and white striped saloon . . ."?
un otro favorito*
Greg, I'm thinking you've given us a few fabulous appetizers that have only succeeded in making us wish to taste the entreé. I agree that it might well stand on it's own - but you've introduced such a tantalizing cast of characters why not keep going and see where they take you?
favoris
I'd strike these two fragments as they aren't necessary - all of this is happening already, and I really like what you have done here with this piece.
"she wants to trust him." (I see this already)
Their friendship established, (I want to feel the tenuousness of this, seems too assumptive to me)
Thank you all so much for your kind words and your feedback. I can't tell you how great it is to have joined Fictionaut. It's like an ongoing writers group that I can go to while I'm at work (like right now) without having to make reservations or drive anywhere. Love it.
There's plenty here to go on with. On a very minor note, I always like the way dialogue gets buried inside a paragraph rather than be given lines of its own. I maybe question whether the girl would be naive enough to ask the stranger where she could go for a drink, though. You'd have to establish she's that kind of character elsewhere, otherwise it's just a plot device.
To me this seems a great beginning, down through '...the barking dog makes her want to escape.' My take only of course, for whatever it may be worth. Maybe cheapsuited man? or would that compromise his trustworthiness :) Fun piece, thanks for posting.
Thanks for checking it out, Mark. I appreciate the feedback.
Thanks, Adam. I'm very glad you liked it.
"Teeth that line the doorway" - sounds scary and more than a little unusual. We do want to trust people that look like people who have helped us before. Liked the tense atmosphere and question of distrust.
I like the piece as it stands. It's an engaging vignette with evocative imagery, ominous tension, portentous omens, and raises more questions than it answers...which is fine. Reminds me of an encounter I had at the train station in Amsterdam a long, long time ago...."what does she make of the black and white striped saloon that her host now crawls into or the teeth that line the doorway?" Great line- some of the same qualities that I like in the work of Charles Simic.