Leftover Author's Notes
6: This one originally appeared in the New Yorker. The editors there were pushing me for a Shouts & Murmurs piece and I said, look, I'll consider that if you'll publish this story, preferably in one of the big deluxe issues where there's enough ad content to embarrass even the most strident of capitalists. They acquiesced (they can be such pushovers!). As the Beastie Boys said, you've got to fight, for your right, to party!
22: The author has not attached a note to this story.
70: The story that shares the same name as my blog. In 11th grade, the guy who sat behind me thought I looked like Emilio Estevez. He told this to anyone who cared to listen and no one agreed with him. So, this is my fictitious take on being mistaken for Mr. Estevez.
True somewhat-related story: I was sitting in a Baltimore Harborplace restaurant bar one bitter cold winter evening watching Charlie Sheen ride a motorcycle on the harbor promenade as part of filming for Major League II. It's only fitting I was severely intoxicated that evening.
77: Seriously, I told her not to eat the olives but she just wouldn't listen.
91: The following is what happens when you drink too much Bombay Sapphire, get busted for smuggling Taiwanese fireworks, commandeer the top floor of a luxury hotel, and give a motivational speech to a room full of medical device company executives while dressed in glittery silver spandex. Fictionalized, to protect the names of the you bet your ass they're guilty.
113: I blame this one on Meg Pokrass.
148: What the world needs is more stories about spelunking. The only advice I can offer is, exploring caves does not make for a good first date, and just because a cave has poor, what could be called romantic, lighting doesn't mean it's a Valentine's Day dinner destination.
149: Again with cephalopods! I just can't help myself.
178: This story originally won the Glimmer Train Very Short Fiction Award. Unfortunately, it was eventually disqualified when it was revealed that it had been previously published in my Aunt Steve's (yes, that name is right—it's a long story and not what you think) supermarket employees' union quarterly newsletter. I was just six when I wrote it and my aunt was always one to dote on her precocious nephew. Unfortunately, the original version in crayon is lost forever.
281: If you make it to the end on this one, I'll send you $1,000 in cash and a bag of apples. Your choices are Granny Smith and Fuji. I can also pay you in euros if that helps.
302: Please tell me what you think of this one. What you really think. Don't tell me it's good because I don't want to hear it but I want you to tell me what's wrong with it. Be honest. Tear it apart. Don't hold back. Don't blow smoke up my ass and tell me, wow, this is amazing, great work, because I'll know you're just angling for me to read your work and say the same things about your stories and trade faves with you. If you tell me it's great, don't change a word, I'll know that you didn't actually read it.
353: I'll be honest and say that this one is a bit sluggish. The pacing picks up, though, around word 11,000.
414: I blame this one on Peg Mokrass.
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Author's Note
Authors notes for stories that may or may not exist, taken from my vast and exquisite archives. Feel free to pick and use, cut and paste, plunder and pilfer for your own works (remember to remove my numbering at the beginning, so what you did doesn't look so obvious). No compensation is required, but a donation to the Human Fund is always appreciated.
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re 91: Seriously, I have to see this story.
re 178: Yes, the vicissitudes of previous publication.
( Will this comment count when I try to submit it to Pank?)
re 302: Really great. Just super. All time. Love love loved it.
Great wake-up read, Christian. Thanks.
I think your Author's Note on this leaves something to be desired. *
#302 sounds like email I've sent you before.
Our brains seem to think alike. You might want to have that looked at. *
this is almost meta-fiction, or maybe it is. i can hardly say. in fact, i can't even begin to use the shift key and have momentarily abandoned caps. not sure if this is the direct effect of your use of meg pokrass as a literary prop or the sudden sense of an impending desire to enter a glimmer train contest. the very idea sends shivers through me spine.
i'm going to fave this because i like it, not because you've promised to fave all my work for the next month. i'll be watching, though. you can be sure.
Emilio Estevez reminds me of Charlie Sheen! You read my mind! I like this one, too, because it also makes me want to keep reading your writing. Always a crack up, you're a rare breed.
God, I just figured out the trading Faves thing. I can't beleive I never figured that out before. One of the few things I've figured out. Thank you. I'm re-reading this to see if there's anything else. Unfortunately I cannot use what I have figured out at this time but feel free to show me other answers when you have them.
Thanks, David, Lynn, Boudreau, James, Jason (hey, man, what’s up?), and Larry!
Beware of falling into the super-dimensional meta wormhole* thing that I've apparently plummeted headfirst into (my God, it's full of stars!**). If you’re seeing the film Men At Work on continual loop, you know you’re there.
*Yes, I was watching Star Trek: The Motion Picture last night on SyFy.
**From 2010: The Year We Make Contact, which I haven’t seen in at least 25 years.
I think I read the NYer story. Heartily agree with you are spelunking stories. I have this one three olives.
Oops. Forgot to give you the olives.
ooo
Thanks, Jack!
#124: Inspired by Road House, Top Gun, and Rocky 4, the three best films ever made.
#420: This is the initial entry to my new "Fake Letters" group I just started at Fictionaut. Inspired by sweater lint. Brought to you by my unoccupied cave.
#38: This work comes with ample supplies of coyote, wolf, and mountain lion repellant.
Oh, I just love this kinda crap. When I read this I know there's hope for my writing yet.
Thank god for metapuckish.
And I didn't fave this cuz you faved mine, i'd a faved it had I known about it before but I didn't til ya sent it ta the group.
And I'm waiting for my $1000 and shipment of apples. I'll take the Fuji.Although they'll likely be gamma-eradiated by New Zealand customs, but will make an interesting episode of "Border Security" which I'll video for you...oh, wait...we can't share files anymore. I need a lie down.
Thanks, Sally! Here in the U.S., my Fuji apples often indicate "New Zealand" on the sticker. I think the goal is for everyone to get some gamma-eradiation!
Ah...that explains a lot.