On Writing
by Tim G. Young
it's the very words that are the problem
as useless or as potent as they may be
really, what the hell
whether it's a long story about ships, seas and whales
or a phony horse with a huge belly
the sameness is the words
going on over the cliff does not mean
i have actually gone over
but if you think i have then
who knows
get a handle on the emotions
there must be emotions attached
there must be something attached
if it's a circus
then circus events must happen
circus smells must arise
circus clowns must laugh and cry
they have the most difficult of times
even harder than the elephants
who never have opportunities to
be elephants
until they step on someone and squash them
and it's all just a completely false ride
dips and turns
highs and lows
busses, trains, cars and airplanes
don't really need a ticket
or an ID or a piece of paper
so if the decision is made to light a match
and catch the whole thing on fire then
who really gets burned
unless you're paying for this which I know you're not
no one is getting burned
except on the finite trail of time
oh god and it's not fair to even bring certain concepts into play here
certain concepts gone astray into the heavens and into the hells
ringing like church bells like streaks of metal in the wind
it's a far far better thing i do
than throw the rope and lasso you
bring you in close enough to smell your breath
to lick your lips
to kiss the nose which blows and sneezes
like a hurricane in the section of town where
hurricanes can do the most damage
along with the beaching of the great white whales
yes animals do come into play
like all the fun noah had and another whale
but stories there must be so many
take the gift of word
and slam dunk it into their hard drives
making such an awful clatter
making a real mess of things
go below and start the coffee because it's going to be a long night
not that it hasn't been already
and a long night it has been getting my drift out of the way
closing all the doors bolting all the latches smashing all the hatchets
take a ride on the reading it'll get you where you're going
before you even know it
long strings of rails long lines of jails and here come the texas rangers
about to take us all in for the admittedly created crimes we have committed
then you know they will put all of us on a slow boat to china
where we can sell our junk and chase the dragon across the universe
like we're supposed to do before any of the words begin to arrive then
come together in congregations and begin to bless our pointed little heads.
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Author's Note
Almost Famous
Other stories by Tim G. Young
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Love the energy and rush of this, and the myriad visual flashes. *
Hey Mathew, thanks a lot for that 'energy' word!
certain concepts gone astray into the heavens and into the hells
ringing like church bells like streaks of metal in the wind
here come the texas rangers
about to take us all in for the admittedly created crimes we have committed
then you know they will put all of us on a slow boat to china
where we can sell our junk and chase the dragon across the universe
like we're supposed to do before any of the words begin to arrive then
come together in congregations and begin to bless our pointed little heads.
Much appreciated, Samuel.
Enjoyed.
The form and content work well together, to echo Mathew. I feel it, I see it, I get it, I like it.
The sun is shining! Many thanks Gary and Emily.
*All of this and hurray for those elephants who get to be elephants. A marvelous whirl of words, Tim.
"Whirl of words" Thank you Nonnie!
Beautifully done, Tim. You have assurance and determination and you bang it out perfectly here. This is a giant leap, and your feet have found solid ground. Terrific.
A great day. Thanks so much Darryl!
As an exercise, see what would happen to this if you impose a constraint on it, say squeezing its 491 words to a mere 100 (or whatever). Just to see.
I like what's here but wonder whether it might not turn more brilliantly incandescent under compression.
Thank you Bill. Perhaps I will give it a try.
Here, something like this:
"it's the words that are the problem
useless or potent as they may be
what the hell, really, does it matter
if it's a story about ships or seas or whales
or a horse with a swollen belly –
the sameness is the words,
going over the cliff does not mean
i have actually gone over
but if you think i have,
who knows?
Get a handle on the emotions –
if it's a circus
then circus smells must arise
clowns must laugh and cry
having the most difficult of times
and it's all a false ride
of dips and turns,
of highs and lows"
and so on.
There is so much heart in your work, but it gets lost in too many images, too much repetitive detail. It can't breathe.
Pare back to only what is ABSOLUTELY necessary. Pick each word and image carefully instead of using every one that comes to mind.
And think about closing the poem with this line (taking out the weak word 'because'):
"go below and start the coffee. It's's going to be a long night"
It's a great line but again, is buried in too many words.
And everything that comes after it is just restating what you've already said in better and stronger ways.
Heady...thought provoking...and well-turned.*
This has been an amazing ride. Of course "pare back to what is absolutely necessary" is what writers need to do. Thanks so much Sally. And Gary, I always so appreciate your comments.