Note to Vera Wang

by Steven Gowin

Vera Wang I saw you on Oprah today girl. Oh no no no.

This is HD television now sweetie, and you are scare eeee. We can see everything, ehv ery thing, and that is way too much pancake, and way too too orange, and it is NOT my TV, missy. Those are putty marks, darlin', knifed on soooo so think. Something your dermatologist knows that we don't?

But you say this look works. What's the problem? HD is the problem, honey lamb child. High Definition. A microscope on your pores. You got the good skin, you are an angel baby. 

Otherwise we're talking zit vision. One thing you can't do is hide it all though. That is, on the 1 to 10, a minus 99, the worst.  So you just go right on ahead then, girl if you want to… you like it so much. I'm just sayin,' I'm just sayin' is all.

And I know you don't wanna know what I think. But Baby, if I were Mr. or Ms. Camera Person or Mr. or Ms. Director Person, your new name would be “Never Push in Tight On Vera … Medium Shot Only” Wang.

That's what I'm talkin' about. Mmmm hmmm.