Hey Old Lady! Want To Buy A Reverse Mortgage?

by Roz Warren

Facebook just hit me with an ad for coping with memory loss, probably because I just turned 63. As far as my favorite social media site is concerned, I am now an Old Lady.  When I asked my Facebook pals who are also Seniors what kind of promotions have been turning up in their feeds, they told me that in the upcoming days, I should expect to see ads for the following: 

Walk-in bathtubs
Senior dating sites
Viagra and Cialis
Medicare Supplemental Insurance
Reverse mortgages
Baldness cures 
“Prevent Alzheimer's Disease with Coconut Oil.” (If only it were that simpleā€¦)  
Ads telling me what to do about my enlarged prostate
Make-up tips for “mature women”

And, worst of all? 


I could continue to ignore ads like this. Or I could put them all together and see what happens! I'll apply make-up using those tips, then take a photo and post it on a senior dating site, where I'll meet a balding man with an enlarged prostate. We'll fall in love, reverse our mortgages and squander the resulting windfall on a gigantic walk-in bathtub where, after he gobbles his Viagra (and I remove my Depends), we'll have lots and lots of sex.  (Our safe word will be “Medical Supplemental Insurance.”)  

Then? We'll die of happiness & get cremated. 

Thanks, Facebook!

(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library, both of which you should buy immediately.)