Layers on a Cold Night
The lights flickered and then cut out; the humming heater gurgled to a halt; only the laptop's backlit screen highlighted the edges of the dark room.
Henry fondled his way to the closet and grabbed blankets for his three kids - Marianne, Toby, and little Henry. Pawing his way from room to room, he covered each of them with an extra layer of warmth and kissed their foreheads.
He settled back down at the computer and scrolled through the classifieds -experienced at something; experienced for nothing.
Later that night, he laid his shivering children in his own bed, the bed that betrayed and abandoned him just a few years ago. It will protect them now.
He sat on the bed's edge and watched them breathe. He watched his own breath billow from his mouth, as the unforgiving winter wind forced its way into his home and attacked his family.
Tomorrow will be warmer, he thought. Surely it will be warmer than this.
Henry fondled his way to the closet and grabbed blankets for his three kids - Marianne, Toby, and little Henry. Pawing his way from room to room, he covered each of them with an extra layer of warmth and kissed their foreheads.
He settled back down at the computer and scrolled through the classifieds -experienced at something; experienced for nothing.
Later that night, he laid his shivering children in his own bed, the bed that betrayed and abandoned him just a few years ago. It will protect them now.
He sat on the bed's edge and watched them breathe. He watched his own breath billow from his mouth, as the unforgiving winter wind forced its way into his home and attacked his family.
Tomorrow will be warmer, he thought. Surely it will be warmer than this.
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Author's Note
This is my first shot at something so short. Please criticize.
Other stories by Matt DeVirgiliis
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I like how you're playing with the 'layers' metaphor - the protective nature of your protagonist, the fear and frustration he clearly feels. I think you've created a lot in a little space here. I might consider cutting the 'a very cold night' and perhaps the 'unforgiving' - not that you need to, it's just as I was reading, those lines felt like they wanted me to have a certain response. Great stuff though!
I agree with Julie—you do a fine enough job of describing the harsh coldness of the rooms that you distract the reader a bit by telling us it’s going to be cold. The blankets, heater, shivering, etc., already indicate that.
This story hits with strong, real emotion. You have written the character tenderly and believably. I like that you’ve introduced a question in the 4th para that seems to indicate why he is raising these children alone and allows us to use our imagination of how we got from there to here.
One point: I don’t like “sputtered” as a verb for “breath.” Sputtering is a noise; engines sputter. It might work if he were running out of breath, but I think here you’re talking about breath that is quietly rising visibly; “spiraled” maybe? Or just “rose”? And then once you’ve found a verb you can trust you can cut the exhaust line.
Thanks for your comments. I made some changes and think it's better now.
Well, this is quite good for your first effort at something so short! I feel what’s going on in this piece. In just a small number of words, you give us what’s happening and what has come before. Well done! I hope you keep writing such short pieces.
My only criticism is I would find a way to work Henry into that first paragraph, or you could work the details in the first paragraph into other parts of the story and start the story with the second paragraph. Henry is the heart of this story and, with so few words, you want to establish that immediately. I think it would give the work a touch more power (though what you have is good if you don’t change anything).
Much better with the changes. The words weigh much more now for better tension.
Great Story. Have you thought about making it into a longer piece?
Matt,
I actually have thought about it. But my short story writing has slowed down; I'm writing a children's chapter book.
No way this belonged in 0 favs group. Can feel your screen writing & documentary background in this, short poignant scenes depicting a sadness, but not dispair, then hope. Effective.