by Gary Hardaway

In what appears to have been a coordinated, coast-to-coast attack, country clubs across America were attacked last night with firebombs and heavy contaminations of herbicides. Among the better known targets, the Augusta National Golf Club- home of The Masters Golf Tournament, and Pebble Beach Resorts- home of the Pebble Beach Golf Tournament- were especially hard hit. Experts say the chemical contamination is of such concentration that none of the existing grass or trees will survive and the soil may never sustain plants again.  

The so-called Army of the Poor claimed credit for the attacks. Officials don't believe such an army exists except in the minds of a few computer hackers who have also claimed responsibility for taking down all the major world stock exchanges for 24 hours two weeks ago in another broad and coordinated attack on important symbols of global affluence.

In financial news, the value of shares in GE, Monsanto, Halliburton, Microsoft and Apple continue to decline sharply as unconfirmed reports of vanishing assets within each company circulate among private and institutional investors. Spokespersons for the companies deny that any assets have vanished and their Chief Financial Offers have met with major stockholders and executives with stock exchanges to dispel what are being called unsubstantiated rumors.

On the international front, the Isis Caliphate appears to be on the verge of taking Tel Aviv after overwhelming Jerusalem three days ago. Israeli officials cannot be reached for comment.

Join us for a more complete report of the latest news and weather at 11.