almost a still life
on the opposite side
of a red brick wall
another row of houses
windows
ndos / / facing /
ind o / acing windows
the sky
a small stripe
on the sidewalk
the fading light
a memory
waiting for its owner
(notes)
---------------------------------------------------
(original post, Sunday 11 a.m.)
almost a still life .1
on the opposite side
of a red brick wall
another row of houses
windows
facing windows
at the edge of a steel frame
the sky
a small stripe
on the sidewalk
the fading light of a memory
waiting for its owner
----
(or like this?)
almost a still life .2
on the opposite side
of a red brick wall
another row of houses -
windows
facing windows
the sky
a small stripe
on the sidewalk
the fading light of a memory
waiting for its owner
---------------------------------------------------------------
(follow-up version, after first feedback)
(still walking the lines..)
on the opposite side
of a red brick wall
another row of houses -
windows
facing windows
the sky
a small stripe
on the sidewalk
the fading light
of a memory
waiting for its owner
---------------------------------------------------------------
(follow-up version, after second feedback)
almost a still life .4
on the opposite side
of a red brick wall
another row of houses
windows
windows / / facing /
windows / facing / windows
the sky
a small stripe
on the sidewalk
the fading light
a memory
waiting for its owner
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Author's Note
the first version of this poem dates back to november 2004 - it was published in the journal 'Whimperbang', which isn't online anymore.
(the final version of the poem developed through the fictionaut-feedback, scroll down for the earlier versions)
Other stories by Dorothee Lang
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-- now that the still life is up in layout, i keep changing it, feeling that the middle stanza isn't fitting yet. maybe remove the "at the edge" line? and add a line break after "sidewalk"?
I like V. 2, and what you've done with it.
I almost want to see "the sky/a small stripe/on the sidewalk/like"
as the whole second stanza, or "like" on its own--though my interpretation may be wrong, and poetry should disable the need for that word.
Susan, thanks for your suggestion! i now tried it, and added the version.
interesting about disabling 'like' for poems. --now i am tempted to include 'like' in brackets, as a reflection of this thought.
Boy, maybe I'm messed up; now I 'want to see more breaks...such as between of a memory' and 'waiting for its owner'
But then it might call for going back to a break between the first three lines of the first stanza and the last two...
this is fascinating. thanks for the 'more breaks' appproach - this made me shift to the spaces, while leaving the words as they are.
i think i found it now.
I like version at the top of the page. I like the break and punctuation you with windows facing windows. I like the sky on a line by itself. The breaks are needed.
I'll toss my hat on the sidewalk for version 1, by far, perhaps aligning lines 2 & 3 with the indents below. To me that would show the symmetry of the houses beyond the red brick better. I like to avoid like, like whenever possible in poetry, feel it weakens the image. I love the windows/facing/windows in the first - keep it! Enjoyed much.
Well there ya go!
Sam and Walter: thanks so much for the feedback. it brought another leap of the poem, together with 2 messages i received:
"Your poem, it is amazing how it develops with the comments. I don't know ~ is the sky a small stripe on the sidewalk?"
"my thought, looking at the layout of the poem, is at the bottom: "a memory / waiting for its owner" -- an extra space between the lines, and then move last line to the right so that it ends parallel to windows higher up, for balance?"
- i now switched the sky and the light
- and worked on the spacing again, and ended up with a version that indents line 1, in a symmetric counterpart to the later stanzas.
what a fascinating sunday walk.
Version 4 does it for me
ah, the choice.
i like both, .4 and the one on top.
---
on a sidenote: the joined work on this poem now makes me wish for a kind of "work-in-progress"- black-board that allows direct access for several fictionauts.
i like the last version best.
A memory waiting for its owner is a fine strong image. I was thinking you could shorten the middle even further--instead of the sky a small stripe on the sidewalk how about just simply a small sky on the sidewalk--let the reader imagine what that looks like. Just a thought.
thanks again for the feedback! it seems the poem - despite its title - keeps asking for changes, but i think i turn it into a still life now, and leave it as it is, there, on the sidewalk.
I don't know much about poetry But I agree with Michael White.
really late to the party . . . still life. yes; v. 1 & 4, yes; it's a situation waiting for an incident - an ownership moment (ours or anothers?); c.f. DP's opening line of comment - tis true. Sam's economy is powerful. I'm digging for a situationist/still life corollary to this . . here's one from Low Fields & Light (1960) by WS Merwin. (Pls. don't take me for a misanthropic turd for reflecting other work w/this) -- it's good to emulate greatness to a point . . . of a kind. The opening two stanzas are:
"I think it is in Virginia, that place /
That lies across the eye of my mind now /
Like a grey blade set to the moon's roundness, / Like a plain of glass touching all there is.
"The flat fields run out to sea there.
There is no sand, no line. It is autumn.
The bare fields, dark between fences, run
Out to the idle gleam of the flat water.
Purely descriptive, but weirdly enchanting.
The anthology's editor says the speaker is "bemused, the language dazed and repetitive." -- this kinda / sorta where this still life was going (to my ear). The more I 'think' on it, the clearer it becomes -- can you readact even more and still have it 'say' what it says?
I love this. Belatedly. (Have to make up for lost time). I would also separate "opposite" and "side" if I were you, which I am not. This is lovely.
PS, the last line is my favorite, which makes it an "active" (though "passive") rather than "still" life. If you know what I mean.