The fuckers tumble out of the bathroom like clowns from a tiny car. The girl has these huge tits and dark red hair. She rushes past me, smelling like chocolate. A guy's behind her, holding onto the back of her jeans. He's not good looking enough to have fucked her.
I shut the bathroom door and lock it. I take a long, grateful piss, then I climb into the tub and push the window open. It shimmies back down. I jam a roll of toilet paper under it and light a cigarette with hands that shake.
It's the sucking part of smoking that I like the most, the pulling in, how it's all mine. I don't put the cigarette down. I can see it falling out the window and me jumping after it.
I look around the bathroom for traces of the fuckers-hair, a blob of cum, a used condom. I need to know that it was worth their while. I wonder where they did it. I fucked a girl in a bathroom sink once. She got these bruises on her lower back from the faucet. I felt badly when I saw them, after, but she seemed not to mind.
The fuckers cleaned up after themselves, I guess. I sit in the tub and smoke. It's white and quiet. I can't hear what's going on outside at the party. The shower tile has some crud in it. The cigarette is almost gone. I hold it up to my face and stare into the orange and black part that winks as it smolders.
There's a pounding on the door. It startles me and I bang my head against the wall behind me. “Let me in,” a voice yells, “Come on, asshole.” The door's shaking. I shut my eyes and press my lips against the filter. It burns.
I wonder what she told people about the bruises on her back. I should have known better than to think she'd be here tonight. The sink was her idea. I thought I'd have a heart attack when she got up there, opened her legs and smiled at me. Under the hot lamp, her hair held a million tiny lights.
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tranquil almost... nice.
wow. how am i just now reading this? great stuff.
real nice
Actually, kind of funny. I really laughed at the brass it takes to lay in the bathtub where there's a party going on.
The opening image-- "clowns from a tiny car"-- is killer. Sustains the entire piece. Nice work.
Really minor, but after the pounding on the door, I'd write it in more of an active tense, like this: "It startles me and I bang my head . . ."
Also, I think the final sentence could be reworked slightly so that "light" isn't in there twice.
Like I said, minor stuff. I really like this.
Cami points out some goodies - yeah the "I get startled" did sort of throw me. And for the last sentence what about - "Under the hot lamp, her hair held a million tiny lights, like fireflies."
Nice imagery.
I love the focus here on the cigarette and the pleasure the narrator gets with it, which mirrors the "pleasure" he is imagining that the fuckers had just before. And yet there is something lewd about both.
One thing: the last line is nice, but fireflies seems too familiar to me as an image. I wanted something more unusual there.
I genuinely got a creepy-good kick out of this one. Not so sure about "fireflies" either, though.
"It's white and quiet."
That's the kind of understated, multi-layered word music you can't translate. Loved.
Nice. The controlled language and emotion reminds me of Raymond Carver, except for the fucking part. I like the winking cigarette line. Also, I don't think the last line needs anything. It leaves something to the imagination. We don't have to hold the reader's hands all of the time.
Great piece. Man, sometimes I really miss smoking.
Enjoyed this a lot, too. Good stuff, killer ending. *
Yes and yes.
Fave.
Just found this through Craig Snyder's faves. Fave for me too. Glad I found it.*