Whatever world we were in had been ended. I was driving with her on a sea-side road, salt-white blazing to the right, sahara to the left. There was an incongruity of abrupt cafes on the beach. We stopped our big farm truck with its covered bed, and she struck up talk with a jazz band setting up for the night. I was annoyed. We fought; she was always too friendly. I wanted to move on, get past the surreal. Leave the awkwardness alone. She mocked me.
But that was a memory of the past. It had been our last day together, and she came to violence and torture. Point of no return. Now even the loneliness of that final place had nowhere to go. Marauders, cannibals, leathered barbarians, tropish folk come to life. Everyone dead, no one buried, hot sand and quiet ocean only.
We, who knows who but I was with them, running. Hiding in metal ruins. The rending of those outside was horrible. Visions of isolate bands evolving apart, hibernating like animals, creeping together in the dirt. Gritty pale people huddled at weak fires, smiling in the dark between screams in the distance, perpetual. Caverns of rape and murder without salvation.
The end of it turned stranger. I chose a different vantage point, watched the self who lost her committing suicide. He threw himself down from a rock. The rest of us fled, and now the desert gave way to a green woods and then a clearing with a house like a castle. We made our last stand there. In the attic there were books, and we protected them like children.
Not sure if this works as a self-contained piece. Can see the McCarthy in it - nice language and syntax. Maybe needs a wider context to give it the power. But appreciate the care with which done.
i LIKE THE STEADY INVENTION AT WORK HERE AND ALSO LOVED THE ENDING:WE MADE OUR LAST STAND IN THE ATTIC..THERE WERE BOOKS AND WE PROTECTED THEM LIKE CHILDREN.I've always been horrified at the thought of people destroying books in the name of some ideology or other.
This piece is great, A. My only suggestion would be to cut "until we died" at the end.
But like Eamon, it really reminds me of McCarthy's The Road. Nicely-done.
Oh - and the books are perfect :)
Eamon, interesting you should note that it doesn't seem to work as a single piece. It's actually nothing more than a dream I had, and much of a dream's surreality is that it seems like such a fragment, leaving us to wonder what the context is. As transcription, "fragment" is the only thing it can be.
As art, however, perhaps it should be self-contained, so I take your point. I also appreciate the comparison to McCarthy - though of course I aim to have my own voice,
I have a deep love for his way with words.
And thanks Darryl for your comment on the conclusion - definitely my favorite part as well.
And thanks Marcelle. Good suggestion for the ending, I think. Maybe saying it once in the title is best?
Wild dream. I agree, you don't need "until we died" at the end.
"Abrupt cafes" – very good. The final lines are killer. Excellent. I love apocalypse stories.
Nice, the tone and motion go well together.
Thanks everyone. Per some of your recommendations I've taken out "until we died" from the final line.
The writing here is as fine as I've seen in awhile. I thought I might find some McCarthy references in the comments. There's that same sense of dread and fight here. I do agree that this could be teased about some, it feels more full than this 275-word glass can afford it. I think that's a great thing. And the ending works so very well.
I read this piece aloud, it has a lovely lyrical quality.
Great double meaning on the line: "The end of it turned stranger".
I see you must have dropped the previous last line - the one you have now works very well.
Glad my wanderings brought me here. This just about nails the episodic apocalyptic dream--like a slide show or series of stereographic images of brutal scenes, horrific metamorphoses, made more horrific and astonishing by the almost domestic routine of it all and the casual, cool voice of the dreamer, who gets to return to tell, but doesn’t get to ever leave. And that “hot sand and quiet ocean only.” This is just too damn good.