Forum / What's your favorite joke?

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 12, 07:54pm

From Robin Williams, who might have stolen this from Murray Langston:

"How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"I give up."

"Five."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah... five. One to do the job and four to... like, share the experience, man."

(Punch line usually delivered with slight turn of the head to the left and the right and a flip of the hair by the pinkie.)

(You had to be there...)

Dolemite
Feb 12, 08:28pm

Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Harry Packer
Feb 12, 09:36pm

"I'd like to join your yoga class."

- How flexible are you?

"I can't make Tuesdays."

Dolemite
Feb 12, 10:01pm

The Salesman's car breaks down, and he has to stay the night at a farm. The next day he thanks the farmer and notices the farmer has a pig with only three legs.

"I can't help but notice your pig" he says to the farmer. "Yup" says the farmer,"it's a special pig". "what's so special about that pig ?" says the Salesman. "whelp, that pig pulled me form under my tractor last year, and later when our house caught fire, he ran in and woke us all up." says the farmer.

"Wow! that really IS a special pig. But tell me, how did he loose his leg ?"

"well," says the farmer......

"you don't eat a special pig all at once now, do ya ?"

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 12, 10:13pm

"Chesterester's just not a bright fella."

"How dumb can he be?"

"Last Halloween?"

"Yeah?"

"The boy's face got burned real bad."

"How'd that happen?"

"Bobbing for french fries."

Joani Reese
Feb 12, 11:52pm

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girls' track team?...

...Pygmies are a cunning bunch of runts.

Letitia Coyne
Feb 12, 11:55pm

A woman stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker. As he stepped into the car, she moved a brown paper covered bottle from the seat to the floor.

"It's scotch," she apologized. "I got it for my husband."

Hiker said, "Good trade."

Joani Reese
Feb 13, 12:10am

Ha!

Frankie Saxx
Feb 13, 12:17am

Two atoms were walking down the street when one of them suddenly stopped.

"Shit," it said, "I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" asked the other atom.

"Yes," said the first atom, "I'm positive!"

Sally Houtman
Feb 13, 12:36am

A rich Aussie businessman decided to throw a party, so he invited his buddies and, out of politeness, the only New Zealander in the neighbourhood.

The party was held around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating, drinking and flirting, when the host announced, 'I have a 16ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned to see the New Zealander in the pool fighting the croc, gouging its eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping it through the air.

After successfully strangling the croc, the kiwi climbed out of the pool while everybody stared.

'Wel,’ the host said, ‘I reckon I owe you a million dollars, mate.’

''Nah, bro’ the New Zealander said. ‘I don’t want it.’

The rich host insisted, 'C’mon.I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a new car?'

The New Zealander shook his head.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, what do you want then?

‘The name of the bastard who pushed me in.'

Letitia Coyne
Feb 13, 01:25am

Hehehehe.

A scaffolder walked into a bar.

Two blondes walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

A duck was about to cross the road. A chicken ran up and said, "Don't do it man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Sally Houtman
Feb 13, 01:33am

Sorry, Letitia.

(I had to do it!)

What do you call a contortionist from the Philippines?

A Manila folder.

strannikov
Feb 13, 01:34am

In April 2086 a man and his grand-daughter are hiking in eastern Europe. They pause when they come to an embankment that descends to a broad, flat expanse, on the other side of which stands a similar embankment.

"Oooh, grandfather, what's this?" the girl asks.

"This used to be the bed of the Dnieper River, it dried up decades ago after the Chernobyl nuclear accident," the grandfather explains.

"Ahhh," the girl concludes, and the man pats his grand-daughter on the head for asking an intelligent question.

Some time later they come upon a large and deep dark hole.

"Oooh, grandfather, what's this?" the girl asks.

"This is all that's left of where the Chernobyl reactor stood. It melted and burned a hole into the crust of the earth," the grandfather explains.

"Ahhh," the girl concludes, and the man pats his grand-daughter on her other head.

Dolemite
Feb 13, 02:03am

A mama polar bear and a baby polar bear were sliding around on the ice one day. The mother bear slid across the ice and splashed into the water. Seeing this, the baby polar bear yelled out: "I'm a radio!"

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 13, 03:46am

???

Dolemite
Feb 13, 03:53am

(I'll try again...)

Mama polar bear and baby polar bear are taking a bath. Mama polar bear says "Pass the soap, s'i vous plait" and the baby polar bear says "Whattaya think I am, a radio?"

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 13, 04:03am

Pass the potato salad, please.

Sally Houtman
Feb 13, 04:35am

"Pass the potato salad, please."

Whattaya think I am, a bar of soap?

Dolemite
Feb 13, 04:37am

Sally, that was pitiful...

;-)

Sally Houtman
Feb 13, 04:57am

Pitiful?

PITIFUL!?!

Is that ALL!?!

I was shooting for pathetic.

Robin Graham
Feb 13, 09:15am

An Englishman, an Irishman, a dog, a horse, a duck, a dolphin wearing a sombrero and a bear walk into a bar.

Barman says-

"This some kind of joke?"

RW Spryszak
Feb 13, 12:29pm

An Englishman, an Irishman, a dog, a horse, a duck, a dolphin wearing a sombrero and a bear walk into a bar.

I can't remember the rest of the joke but your mother's a whore.

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 13, 01:39pm

Never mind

Dolemite
Feb 13, 02:37pm

... A Scottish old-timer in Scotland, in a bar, says to a young man, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.
But do they call me McGregor the fence builder? Nooooo.

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor the bar maker? Noooooo.

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But one lousy sheep..."

Joani Reese
Feb 13, 04:50pm

Two blonde girls rent a row boat and take it out on a lake to fish. They find a great spot and catch fish after fish.

The first blonde says, "We need to mark this spot so we'll remember where it is next time we go fishing!"

The second blonde scrunches up her forehead and then yells "A-HA!" as she pulls a bright red lipstick from her purse. She twists open the lipstick, bends over the side of the row boat, and marks a large red arrow down the boat's side pointing toward the water.

The first blonde says, "That's not going to work. You are SO dumb. What if we don't get this boat next time?"

James Claffey
Feb 13, 06:38pm

serge,that's one of my favorites.

a horse walks into a bar.

barman says, "why the long face?"

Dolemite
Feb 13, 07:15pm

Thanks, James. Here's another one I wrote...

;-)

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 13, 07:28pm

That's funny, Matt

Ramon Collins
Feb 13, 07:53pm

Is that diamond in your nose?

No, it'snot.

James Claffey
Feb 13, 07:59pm

touche, matt!

Dolemite
Feb 13, 08:06pm

I’ve been alive forever,
And I wrote the very first joke.
I put the words and the punch line together,
I am humor,
And I write the jokes.

(sing und sway…)

I write the jokes that make the whole world sing.
I write the jokes of love and special things.
I write the jokes that make the young girls cry.
I write the jokes, I write the jokes...

;-)

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 13, 09:58pm

Do you really wanna be known as the Barry Manilow of comedy?

Dolemite
Feb 13, 10:17pm

yes...desperately....

;-)

Sally Houtman
Feb 14, 01:36am

And you called *me* pitiful.

Dolemite
Feb 14, 03:05am

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic
and so am I.

Sally Houtman
Feb 14, 03:26am

That is so funny, I'm beside myself.

Letitia Coyne
Feb 14, 04:43am

Hahaha.

We're offended!
Lxx

Letitia Coyne
Feb 14, 04:45am

Oh, and DID, not schizophrenic.

Lxx

Barry Basden
Feb 14, 06:04pm

Usually, I can't remember jokes. When I do, I figure it's a pretty good one:

You can't have everything.
Where would you put it?

--Steven Wright

Sally Jayne Heymann
Feb 15, 03:19am

Okay, my youngest made this up when she was 4, and it is still my favourite:

What kind of truck delivers milk?

A Mooooooo-ving Truck.

Sally Jayne Heymann
Feb 15, 03:29am

My dad's:

Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
if it weren't for Christmas,
We'd all be Jewish.

Sally Jayne Heymann
Feb 15, 04:34am

Last one, mine:

What did the Pope give up for Lent?

the Papacy

Dolemite
Feb 15, 04:50am

Humor runs deep in your family, I can tell...

;-)

Letitia Coyne
Feb 15, 06:45am

:D
Lxx

Dolemite
Feb 15, 09:21pm

A young cowboy goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 15, 09:27pm

Cowboys sure are clever.

Dolemite
Feb 15, 11:25pm

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the prime minister of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "The Israeli prime minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his life. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But ..." he said, deep in thought, "what if we offered to make Jack Nicklaus a cardinal? We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play the Israeli prime minister as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Nicklaus was greatly honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 16, 01:33am

I guess this is what they mean by the word "Vicar."

Dolemite
Feb 16, 01:44am

It's a fourth-grade joke. I wrote it in the fifth--I was a little behind.

(actually took me a moment to get it...)

Sally Houtman
Feb 16, 03:23am

Here's one I wrote in the fifth grade. The fourth graders thought it was hilarious.
.....
A man who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years spots an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!!!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies: "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly inching down the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

XXXX
Feb 16, 07:59am

A man was raping a woman, and she said: "Think of my children!"

And he thought: What a kinky bitch.

Dolemite
Feb 16, 12:51pm

heh...

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 16, 03:01pm

Rape jokes... not so funny. Maybe not at all.

Sally Jayne Heymann
Feb 16, 03:51pm

not

Carol Reid
Feb 16, 05:22pm

So much ugliness packed into a few words.

Dolemite
Feb 16, 07:19pm

Of course it's ugly.
Of course the reality of it is ugly.

But it contains and utilizes the essence and dynamics of humor.

You could substitute differing particulars and still the scaffolding holds.

In that it's a successful joke.

Jerry Ratch
Feb 16, 07:33pm

Why are turds tapered?

So your ass don't slam shut!

Jane Flett
Feb 16, 08:06pm

Yes, that's very true Serge, you could tell an entirely different joke and it might be funny.

Dolemite
Feb 16, 08:50pm

Jerry, that doesn't even make sense!

;-)

I'm offended by dumb blonde jokes.

Not because I have a blonde daughter,

but because they're not funny!

XXXX
Feb 17, 01:44am

I was once asked: "Why do chicks love Jesus?"

I said: "Why?"

He said: "Because he was hung."

He stretched his arms in both directions, and said: "He was hung like this."

Dolemite
Feb 17, 02:03am

Again, an excellent JOKE. The dynamics, the emotional/intellectual displacement, the timing...

For those who laughed at the joke about the dumb blond walking into the bar, the joke about the student who lied to his father AND shot the family dog FOR MONEY; for those who laughed at the joke about the Scotsman copulating with a sheep; for those who laughed at the joke about the mule killing the farmer's wife:

Is it *nice* to laugh at females with blonde hair?

Is it *nice* to laugh about sons who lie to their fathers and shoot the family dog for money?

Is it *nice* to laugh about beastiality? (where's PETA when you need'em?!)

Is it *nice* to laugh about a mule kicking/killing a woman?

No (is the answer).

Humor ain't about nice.

Humor is about engaging the unpleasantness of life (someone else's discomfort, preferably), creating an "amygdala hijack" of the unexpected.

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 17, 03:41am

Excellent joke? No. I'd call it merely and obviously offensive. Apparently you thought so too, or you wouldn't have launched a vehement defense before anyone else said a word about it.

It was a mistake to open a thread like this. I'll ask management to shut it down.

Dolemite
Feb 17, 03:45am

Always so quick to take your ball and go home...

;-)

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 17, 04:07am

Absolutely... and without reservation.

Next time bring your own.

Carol Reid
Feb 17, 06:05am

There's no need to shut a thread down when it includes strong feelings and differences of opinion.

My opinion is that violence, misogyny, and bigotry are rarely unexpected and don't engage the brain in new or unexpected ways.

I call it ugly, not humourous. I chose to say so publicly. I often do. It doesn't make sense to me to shut up about this sort of thing. It also doesn't make sense to me to think people should stop talking when they disagree.

XXXX
Feb 17, 11:32am

A Soviet judge walked out of a courtroom laughing.

"Why are you so happy?" asked a lawyer as he passed him.

"I just heard the funniest joke," he said.

"Well go on," the lawyer said. "Tell it to me!"

"What? Never!" said the judge. "I just sentenced someone to be hanged for that joke!"

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 17, 01:55pm

P.R. ... now that's funny.

More so in context here, as though there was an issue of liberty ... life and death at stake in the balance. This is one part of the essence of humor... exaggeration. Melodramatic, but wry.

Carol is right, though.

Let the ugly jokes stand. Better yet, come ahead. More so, I say, 'Give us your insensitivity, your anger, your angst. Bring us your misogyny, your bigotry, your puerile perspectives and anatomical puns. We'll open up our golden door to the dark and huddled masses yearning to be heard.'

However, at some point, people will get angry. People will be offended. People will decide they don't want to be part of a community that offends them insistently (sic). Some... no, I'd speculate that most of them will say nothing, but they'll move away, leave. The net result will be that... what remains will resemble so much of what exists elsewhere on the internet, snark and creative insensitivity.

Then again, on the other hand, maybe nobody really cares. On that point, I'll end this without amendment or future rebuttal. I'll do what I'll do and leave it at that.

Sally Jayne Heymann
Feb 17, 04:06pm

James, I choose to ignore those who offend, not the platform. I have learned to use my anger wisely and sparingly. I'm sure others will not be so rash as to judge Fictionaut by one post or one person. I do appreciate all who show good taste and sensitivity to these issues.

Jane Flett
Feb 18, 09:54am

JLD, I'm not going to leave but it does fucking exhaust me.

"Humor is about engaging the unpleasantness of life (someone else's discomfort, preferably)"

Serge, can you stop for one moment in your incredibly important defence of rape jokes* and think about what you just said here, particularly:

1. Whose unpleasantness of life you are engaging here? (clue: people who have been raped)

2. Whose discomfort are you preferring here? (clue: people who have been raped)

I recommend this article by Lindy West if you want to understand where some people are coming from on this:
http://jezebel.com/5925186/how-to-make-a-rape-joke

* Also, as an Philosophy MA who did my dissertation on humour and its definitions, it is killing me not to get into that side of things here. But, rest assured, that is not what the essence of humour is.

XXXX
Feb 18, 12:26pm

A philosophy MA who still speaks of "essences" in the 21st century, when all instances of essentialism is under attack from all sides and disciplines, is in itself a vulgar joke, to which I laughed with sardonic delight.

Very good one.

Jane Flett
Feb 18, 03:00pm

Yes, dear.

David Ackley
Feb 18, 07:47pm

Here's a joke for you:

Q. Gratuitous nastiness aside, what do you call someone who evidently can't write a one sentence ad hominem attack without three mistakes in elementary usage?

" A philosophy MA who still speaks of "essences" in the 21st century, when all instances of essentialism is[sic] under attack, is in itself[sic] a vulgar joke, to[sic] which I laughed with sardonic delight."

A. Writer?

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 18, 10:41pm

Not to mention the absurdity of semantical argument in relation to the disciplines of contemporary philosophy... as though it was the trend to parse the value of meaning in common terminology. The essence, perhaps, of applied sophistry.

XXXX
Feb 19, 12:13am

Grammarians are a joke in themselves.

David Ackley
Feb 19, 12:21am

Actually I was being kind when I said three mistakes since "essentialism " is not a word. This doesn't rise to the bar of "grammar." It's somewhere below basic literacy.

XXXX
Feb 19, 01:55am

Essentialism is indeed a word. It is a philosophical concept, in fact.

I would post a definition, but I don't want to condescend.

David Ackley
Feb 19, 03:02am

You're right, it is a word, I apologize. So let's take it back to 3 elementary mistakes,in a gratuitously insulting statement which barely rises above gibberish in content. Why is a writer whose stories show a degree of talent and command at odds with this not embarrassed to defend it?

Dolemite
Feb 19, 04:08am

(P-- you gotta understand (and I know you do)...the bitter, the sour, the dried-up, the heartless, the humorless, the lifeless, the tough-guys-with-a-heart-of-gold, the !ACADEMICS!, they'll never let it go..

it's all they have...

;-)

Sally Jayne Heymann
Feb 19, 04:12am

Maybe we can now let this go? This is not going to change anyone's mind, so maybe we can go back to humour?

Dolemite
Feb 19, 04:15am

Good idea!!

A man and his wife were talking about the fact they they were getting older and were discussing the possibility of one of them dying before the other. The man, feeling magnanimous, told his wife, "Honey, if I should go first, I want you to remarry. I would hate to think of you alone the rest of your life."

"Really?" said the wife. "You wouldn't mind me with another man?"

"Of course not. I just want you to be happy. Besides, I'll be gone, what would I care? And, you know, your new husband, I would want him to be happy here in this home we've shared for all these years. He can sit in my favorite easy chair."

"But that's your favorite chair! You don't mind?"

"Not at all. He can smoke my pipes, even."

"But those are your pride and joy! Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. And you know what, he can even use my treasured Calloway golf clubs if he wants to play a round now and then."

"Oh, no," the wife said. "He won't use your clubs."

"Why not?" asked the husband.

"Because he's left handed."

Sally Jayne Heymann
Feb 19, 04:23am

ha! I hadn't heard that one. cute

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 19, 04:58am

Jack Benny or... Bob Hope? ca 1956, but still funny. They were Ben Hogan clubs back then.

XXXX
Feb 19, 05:16am

A doctor comes out of the operating room and tells the husband of the patient: "She is alive."

"Oh thank god!" said the husband.

"But I have bad news."

"What is it, doctor?"

"She will never walk again. She will never talk again. She will be a vegetable."

"Oh, that's terrible!"

"She will leak a fluid from all her orifices that will smell like a corpse. She will shit and piss constantly. Her face was amputated, along with her limbs. Ulcers have grown all over her body."

"Doctor, please!"

The doctor breaks out laughing. "I am kidding! I am kidding! She's dead!"

"Oh," says the husband. "Thank goodness!"

Dolemite
Feb 19, 05:21am

HA!

(Oh, what will I be accused of 'defending' now?!)

XXXX
Feb 19, 05:29am

Free speech.

Dolemite
Feb 19, 05:37am

(c'est vrai...)

After a round of golf, a woman came in the clubhouse complaining of a bug bite. The club pro asked, "Where'd you get bit?"

The woman replied, "Between the first and second hole."

The club pro then said, "Your stance is too wide!"

XXXX
Feb 19, 05:40am

Beautiful.

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 19, 05:58am

"I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner." Lenny Bruce one-liner.

Dolemite
Feb 19, 06:10am

Two horses were in the barn for the night. It was cold. One horse muttered, "y'know, Farmer Dave could be kinder. Like, a blanket would be nice. Know what I mean?" The other horse shuffled his feet and replied, "Yeah, really. The bucket never has enough oats in it for both of us. He's really not a nice guy."

A dog was curled up in the hay, listening to the conversation. He piped in, "I think Farmer Dave is a cool guy..."

One horse looked at the dog, looked at the other horse, and exclaimed, "Whoa! A talking dog!"

XXXX
Feb 19, 08:34am

A man tells a doctor: "I have been screwing my wife so frequently that her hole is too loose."

"Well," says the doctor. "If it does not offend your sensibilities, why not utilize the other hole?"

The man says: "Doctor, I can't risk her getting pregnant."

David James
Feb 19, 04:19pm

Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the
audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his
hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into
the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child
in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces
the silence...

"Fookin stop doing it then!"

Dolemite
Feb 21, 03:50am

A Scotsman, an Englishman and Irishman went to a bar. They each order a pint and when it's served, each has a fly in the ale.

The Englishman calls the bartender over and demands a fresh ale.

The Irishman plucks the fly from the ale, quaffs it in one swift drink and orders another.

The Scotsman pulls the fly out and and starts smacking it on the back, shouting "Spit it out...SPIT IT OUT"!!!

Rob Hartzell
Feb 21, 08:37am

At a brewing conference, representatives from Miller, Budweiser, and Guinness meet. They get along famously, and decide to have dinner together.

At the restaurant, when the server comes to take their drink orders, the Budweiser rep says "I'll have a Bud, the king of beers." The Miller rep says, "I'll have a Miller, the champagne of beers." And the Guinness rep says "I'll have a water, please."

He notices the other two looking askance at him, and explains: "If you boys won't be drinking tonight, neither shall I."

Matthew Robinson
Feb 21, 11:21pm

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Hensen's funeral?

Nothing.

Dolemite
Feb 22, 02:08am

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still...

James Lloyd Davis
Feb 22, 02:41am

Oy... Henny Youngman spinning in his grave.

Dolemite
Feb 22, 06:09pm

Two Englishmen meet in the park:

"So sorry to hear you buried the Mrs., old chap."

"Had to. Dead, you know..."

Dolemite
Feb 22, 10:07pm

"My wife left me for my best friend..."

"Dang! You bitter?"

"Hell yes! Bit him too..."
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