Why wait until after the last minute? Why wait to have vital organs preserved once they've been mangled by accident, mutilated by countless surgeries, or shriveled by age or disease? Why wait for inevitable infirmities to overtake you when you can experience all the beauties of dynamic inertia in the final decade or two of conscious existence?
Why fret and fuss in your declining years? (The world only grows deaf to your complaints, no matter how much fuss you raise.) Why harry or harass your heirs? (They'll all be joining you soon enough!) “You can't take it with you”—and neither can they! But you can retain full legal functionality for up to twenty years once you complete “Dr. De Bury's STIFF NOW! Self-Embalming Protocol”, while requiring ever less physical maintenance. (After all, scientific studies show that the biggest increase in per capita healthcare spending comes in one's final years, the very time for scratching and clawing to eke out just a few extra days of labored breathing and hacking coughs.)
Why put money in the hands of conniving doctors or the pockets of crooked medical insurers? Why leave retirement nest-eggs to ungrateful two-faced heirs? Take advantage instead of the many consumer discounts on clothing, dining, education, and travel that can be yours!
You can save money by responding to this special introductory offer for the world-famous Dr. Mortimer De Bury “STIFF NOW! Self-Embalming Protocol”! Originally designed for para-morticians and pre-professional undertakers, the Protocol has now been certified and approved for over-the-counter purchase and is completely safe (check local regulations for sales to minors: not approved for veterinary use).
STIFF NOW! forestalls the onset of rigor mortis by progressively firming up the extremities and suppressing metabolic function with the chemical action of Dr. De Bury's “Secret Embalming Elixir” (with its special blend of eighteen herbs and spices). Once the functionality of the digestive tract is suppressed, cardiovascular activity also slows remarkably, yielding tissue conservation in a manner that, technically, is itself entirely natural. Neurotransmitters are never directly affected, although as extremities firm up, neurotransmitters have a bit less to do and will tend to atrophy in a completely natural fashion. Cognition slows only modestly, but this permits more ready acclimation to contemporary television and cable fare. STIFF NOW! in no way materially impairs communications with a spouse or cherished partner.
Erectile dysfunction? Not with STIFF NOW! Men—and women!—can enjoy erections lasting up to six years, although motor skills will decline somewhat through this period. (Talk with your primary mortuary care specialist for details. Erections can be extended to the post-mortem state only in those localities with no statutes banning necrophilia.)
Dr. De Bury's “STIFF NOW! Self-Embalming Protocol” comes in Cask-Strength Scotch, 151-Rum, and Absence-by-Absinthe flavors for the discriminating palate! Other sanitizing scents are available at a modest premium: choose from our popular Eau de Oak and Pristine Pine products (sales of Desiccation Delight have been suspended temporarily for product reformulation and not for lack of efficacy, anecdotal horror stories to the contrary). For cost-conscious consumers, Carnation Crypt, Limburger Lilac, and Sepulchral Spice flavors are available, with corresponding discounts on survivor nose plugs.
Proponents of early embalming must sometimes counter objections from the growing “early cremation” industry. We at the De Bury Institute for Early Transition rely unapologetically on the traditional argument: where exactly does early cremation get you? Dust in a vase that itself collects dust! The clear superiority of early embalming is thus manifest: early cremation yields no conclusive benefits and actually hinders performance of even the most reflexive actions. Early embalming permits both reflexive action and minimal responsive capability: early cremation permits neither! (We cite numerous testimonials on our website from satisfied chauffeurs, airline pilots, ships' captains, nuclear engineers, university professors and administrators, and legislators and executives from all levels of government and industry.)
Don't waste one minute more of your precious remaining time with bogus nutrition products, fruitless exercise regimens, and painful workout routines! Don't succumb to seemingly attractive offers from health and fitness centers! You're dying: it's only a matter of time! Get ahead for once in your life, while there's still time, and save money! (Creditors, collection agencies, tax farmers, and attorneys are known to get seriously disheartened when dealing with debtors or tax resisters who opt for early embalming: give the bastards the rictus response they deserve!)
Visit your participating mortuary clinic today and get started with Dr. De Bury's STIFF NOW! Self-Embalming Protocol, for safe, effective, in-home self-embalming.
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I seem to recall that this has not been published. (Memory partially fails: an early version of this did appear @ both Language Is a Virus and Delicious Demon back in the day, belated and respective thanks to Lake and to Alex.)