Where I work you cannot see the sun.
Where I work you cannot see the sun.
Where I work people use words like leverage. They do not appear to denote anything.
Where I work everyone sits in a little cube in the middle of which is a little monitor on which they can look at the surveillance image of themselves sitting in a little cube in the middle of which is a little monitor on which they are looking at a surveillance image all day if they want to.
Where I work when it rains you can hear in detail water flowing through a basement amplification chamber. It is like being in the drain of a sink has become a tourist attraction.
Where I work everyone pretends they are somewhere else.
I like this, as it seems a portraiture of the space, which is actually a mental space--or a psychological space. Thanks for the read! :)
ooh, super edgy. i like its sharpness
I really like this SH-K! Space and detail: something you do so well.
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1. "Where I work people use words like leverage. They do not appear to denote anything."
"They" needs a clear antecedent. Confusing to read.
2."Where I work everyone sits in a little cube in the middle of which is a little monitor on which they can look..."
"Everyone" is singular. "They" is plural. Agreement needed.
3. "It is like being in the drain of a sink has become a tourist attraction."
Missing word.
4. "Where I work everyone pretends they are somewhere else."
See #2.
--Grammar guy.
P.S. Despite my quibbles, I like this.
I like this piece - especially the form - Great mix of prose poem and flash. Good flow to the phrasings.
I agree with Bill about his number 3. Something is missing.
As for #1, I had no problem with "they". The wording was clear to me.
The mix of pronoun number wasn’t a problem for me either. That seemed to be in keeping with the voice, and I think that’s paramount. Always be true to the voice. I don't view number agreement as an absolute in a creative piece. It would be necessary in a formal piece of writing, but not here. But, it’s something to think about.
Rules require a comma in your closing sentence, but I think a comma would ruin the line. Leaving it out is the right choice here.
thanks folks.
for what it's worth, i'm entirely aware of the grammar questions and if i didn't want them to be there they wouldn't be there.
what this prompts me to think about is whether the questions exceed what i had in mind.
so thanks for that.
Not so sure Bill. For mine, 'everyone' does agree with 'they'. This piece is quite grammar aware. Also form aware, as evidenced by the lack of commas, and the symmetric paragraphing.
My problem with it is the last sentence. It overemphasises the general point somewhat. It's the payoff for the choice of the 'where I' trope. So it tends to teeter over the flash trap - pretentiousness + lightweightness. Which is a pity, since I think it's quite good.
Stephen, imho you're an interesting writer. But I feel that 'substitution' is better than this piece.
Is it whiches, whichs, whichi? Rad story.
Tight and strong as everything I've read of yours so far. The sink line is funny and true and perfect. I wouldn't change a word of this.