My Not Entirely Serious Predictions for Season Four of Sherlock

The BBC's “Sherlock” is among the most popular shows on TV, and there has been much speculation among die-hard fans like myself about what the upcoming fourth season will hold. Having consulted my own crystal ball, here's what I see happening:   

Irene Adler turns up at 221B Baker Street with Sherlock's baby, the result of some fun and games the two indulged in after Sherlock rescued her at the end of “A Scandal in Belgravia.”  (It wasn't love, he was just passing the time while waiting for his coat to get back from the only good dry cleaners in Karachi, Pakistan). The baby is, of course, named Hamish Holmes.  (And Sherlock's “safe word?” “”Oopsy!”) 

Adler meets and falls madly in love with John's philandering alcoholic sister Harry. (Irene quickly cures her drinking problem by smacking her with a whip and yelling “drop it!” whenever Harry picks up a drink.) They wed and raise the baby together.  

Moriarty turns out to be just one of a set of triplets, all of whom are named Jim, and only one of whom blew his brains out at the end of “The Reichenbach Fall.” (One down, two to go…)

Scotland Yard decides to save a lot of time and trouble and just investigate anybody Molly Hooper falls in love with, since they all turn out to be dangerous sociopaths.

Mary Watson gives birth to a girl, whom she and John name Sherlockia (In Season 27 of “Sherlock,” she and Hamish Holmes will fall in love.) The only glitch? Mary assassinates her ob-gyn when he doesn't give her an epidural quickly enough.

Lestrade comes out and becomes Mycroft's “goldfish.” 

Hilarity ensues when Sherlock babysits for babies Hamish and Sherlockia. After he finally gets them down for a nap, he relaxes by analyzing the spit-up from their binkies under a microscope.  

Mrs. Hudson, unable to rent out 223C Baker Street, decides to restart her ex-husband's drug cartel and run it from there, making it all too convenient for Sherlock to get the occasional morphine fix.  

After Jim Moriarty2  kidnaps their baby, John and Mary track him down and take turns assassinating him.  

Moriarty, Sherlock and Irene Adler start a “Sherlock Characters Who Fake Their Own Deaths Too Much” support group. 

John and Sherlock are taken hostage by a devoted fan who insists that they're a couple and forces them to go through with a gay wedding, but as they're standing at the alter, about to take their vows,  Mary tracks the fan down and assassinates him. 

In a terrific viewer-grabbing crossover episode, Sherlock, the Doctor and Batman all give their sidekicks the day off and solve crimes together, racing to a variety of crime scenes in London cabs, the Tardis and the Batmobile.  

Because “the canon” requires that Mary Watson die of a mysterious illness, Mary steals the Tardis, travels back in time and assassinates Sir Arthur Conan Doyle before he can write that plot point.     

Molly Hooper and Janine start a “Women Who Love Sherlock Too Much” support group. Millions of fans sign up. 

 But seriously? Steven Moffatt and Mark Gatiss are going to come up with a Season Four that's way better than anything I could imagine. And this fan can't wait.