In the evening when the sun sinks low and the baths gets drawn
a tall glass of milk sits slowly spoiling and sweating on the cracked white window sill.
And the kids walk across the grass.
The birds send out their last farewell notes
They sail on the infinite breath of breeze that has circulated every corner of the universe and is right now making its way through our neighborhood.
gently nudging and guiding and rocking and setting to rest all of the sparks and dirt set loose by our careless and childish ways. The moon sends it's radiant ray of luminous love in blossom and sonnet and pearl and magic and it dips deep into valleys and fills canyons and wells. As we raise buckets and catch
stars and pennies as they rain from heaven. All the water reaching toward and smiling up at the long night sky. All the silver all the gold, quietly unfolding. The dog pacing in his circle.
The grandfather clock ticking.
She sighs
as we lie
naked underneath the oscillation of our fan in the great blue hue of predawn. And crickets and cicadas continue to play their timeless symphony
and the few of us who are still listening dream and dance.
What a beautiful place to be. *
I have some thoughts. I really like the rhyme word play (blue/hue, valleys/alleys) and I enjoy the imagery. I don't love this layout, which I'd be willing to bet was just a format issue because it seems to have obvious line breaks in the narrative. I think I can see most of how you would have formatted it, naturally. There are a few places where I think you could benefit from a less-is more approach, like "radiant ray of lonesome luminous love of blossom". It feels like you're not giving these images the time they deserve, maybe. Fav line: "Dogs pace in circles and she sighs underneath the naked oscillation of our fan in the blue hue of predawn". I look forward to the finished piece!