She's worried about fire. There's always a sound, something triggering the fear. “Is that creaking from the fan all right?” and “What's ticking—no, not the clock; that ticking—what is it?” I admit that I do not know the origin of these sounds and therefore cannot estimate what they portend. We listen together for an agreed upon yet unspoken amount of time before resuming our game of dice. “Did you know this game was invented on a yacht?” “You don't say.” She wins. I say let's play again; she says she's tired. Three hours later, we're still awake. She's reading Bradbury, his prophecies on burning, quietly worrying, and I'm sitting nearby holding a book like I don't know what to do with it, and maybe I don't. I hope for continued silence, or at least an agreeable sound to perhaps drown out the next objectionable one, but this is an old house, and old houses like this might very well consist of nothing but these kinds of sounds. The thought occurs to me that I have spent my entire life trying to remember things I probably never knew, and then I begin to worry, too, as I cannot seem to stop thinking about how, when we first moved into our house, the lock on the bathroom door was on the outside.
20
favs |
1657 views
23 comments |
243 words
All rights reserved. |
Now up at Flash Frontier! Thanks to Michelle Elvy and Christopher Allen.
Sept. 2014.
This story has no tags.
Now you've gotten me worrying, darn it! *
Eerie.*
Yep.
I can relate to the freaky sounds an old house makes. Glad to see you back here writing! *
*
Surreal. I like the ride. *
Nothing becoming something is what we all dream of.
Oh I like this very much. Great pace and tone. And randomness, like this:
“Did you know this game was invented on a yacht?”
Love that.
I'd consider deleting the "Anyway" that follows. I like the way it feels/sounds without it. The staccato rhythm works for me, and "Anyway" introduces a slowed pace, a kind of drag in the telling. Even "She wins" could be a sentence on its own -- but that only occurred to me now when I read it again out loud to myself, for the fourth time. Just something to think about. I could be wrong about all that.
Either way, big *
Ha! Love it. Yawns and scratching and fear - all contagious.
Lxx
Unsettling throughout with a perfect ending. Well done.*
*, M.J.. A well-wrriten story about a presage unheeded.
Though I sent out private messages, I wanted to make sure I thanked everyone for taking the time to read my little story. Your continued support of my work means a tremendous amount to me.
I should also mention that I've applied a few small edits concurrent with the posting of this comment.
I like this more and more, each time I read it.
Definitely something!
Nice work.
*
Crisply told, with no wastage and a nice sneak punch at the end.
***
I am agreeing with M. Elvy's last comment: This improves with every reading. Not many stories do.
I want to think that the lock on the outside was benevolent, meant at some point to protect the children from the medicine cabinet.
I want to. But you won't let me. *
Thank you David, R.K. and Gita!
Yes. This is quite creepy and it's so subtly done. *
Beautifully written, start to finish, time after time *
Thank you Cheryl, Foster.
This is lovely. Have read it a few times. Yr sentences are beautifully constructed. The ending haunts.
Does what good flash ought to and that's bring one moment straight home so that you just get a feeling from it. I felt this one, for sure.