Marylou Fisk sat in the back of her Senior English class at Saint Thomas High School. She passed notes — Marylou to Betsy, Betsy to Beth, Beth to Jenn.
Two weeks until graduation and the gang was still together. Just yesterday, they were sharing zit remedies, then tampons, and then kissing advice. From Baptism to First Communion, to Confirmation, and then Baccalaureate Mass, they'd done and seen it all. Never judged and never torn apart. They were as close as friends could be.
In between ketchup-covered fries, a Quarter Pounder, and a vanilla shake, catty comments, and lots of laughs, Marylou slipped in her announcement, a grenade in a rose garden. “I'm pregnant,” she said.
Marylou stood at her Baccalaureate Mass, crammed in the back of Saint Thomas's Church with the parents who had arrived late. You can attend mass, Father Cuthbert — the principal — told her. But you can't sit with your class. Betsy, Beth, and Jenn each had planned graduation parties. Marylou still hadn't received her invitations. The three girls sat in their pew that day, chatting with each other as if they were whole, missing no pieces. Even Marylou's parents stayed home, ashamed to be seen in church with their sinner.
“At least we have each other,” she said as she patted her barely visible bump.
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This is for 52/250 - The Brutality of Friends. Critiques are welcome.
Hey Matt. Thanks for the encouraging words about my first fictionaut story. I appreciate it.
I like what you've done here. I like the compression of time which adds to the drama of this one moment that changes everything.
I think you want "catty" comments in the third paragraph and not caddy comments. I know all too well what those are.
Believable and well done.
-- Q
Thanks for the comment and good catch on caddy. I can never edit my work enough.
Long time Matt!
I like this, and a fine use of the prompt.
Perhaps reconsider the italicized views of Marylou. For me, I think if you eliminate her overviews, the story will resonate even more strongly. What occurs in the action is complete, and Marylou narrating ahead of time diminishes it a bit.
Cherise,
Thanks for the comments. I made those changes to see how it felt and I do think it works better.
I think it works better too!
Great story Matt. The fine line of friendship seen through the stigma of social norms, I think. :O) Loved it.
That last line is very moving.
βAt least we have each other,β she said as she patted her barely visible bump.
Roberto,
Thank you very much for your kind words.
Good, my favorite of your stories. However, this sounds more like old church than new church. What is the setting? Pre-Vatican? Then I could see it. I don't think something like this would happen today, at least in the US. Not where I'm from, anyway.