by Mathew Paust
Pink Pinkerton, assigned to develop a better erectile dysfunction remedy, has done his employer one better. In a secret underground lab near Washington, D.C., Pink concocted a formula that not only brings bigger smiles to men and women alike but makes them better citizens. So, a Nobel prize for Pink, you'd think. Maybe, if he survives the attempts to kill him and destroy his formula before it spreads. Those who want him dead fear his miracle potion, Vulcana, will ruin the economy by making people so happy and enlightened they'll quit spending money on things they don't need. After his beautiful lab partner Gladys Alabi disappears, Pink hits the road to find her and ends up on the run from shadowy mercenaries. Friends assisting him include a Secret Service agent and a former White House official. A chance alliance with an Internet hacker ring keeps them one step ahead of the killers and helps Pink narrow the search for his enemy. But the closer he seems to get, the more familiar the terrain becomes.
Older version:
Imagine a drug that could save us from ourselves. A simple pill that tweaks our brain chemistry to allow reason and compassion to gain the upper hand over our baser instincts, ease our irrational fears and selfish impulses, build moral fiber without upsetting our stomachs.
Be nice, wouldn't it, to solve so many problems so easily? But we know nothing's that simple, nothing worthwhile anyway. Yet...
From the first day our ancestors appeared on this planet nature's chemical secrets have been revealing themselves to us in things we eat, drink, smoke, inject and rub into our skin. Things that change our moods and our behavior, affect how we perceive and respond to what we see and hear and feel.
We've learned to break these substances apart and to combine them in other ways and change them and change what they do to us to heal and comfort and inspire, strengthen and embolden. Enlighten? Permanently?
What if some brilliant geek in a lab were to stumble upon just such a concoction? A super potion, say, using his quirky genius to fiddle and faddle and twiddle and tweak, distilling this and extracting that and blending and boiling and baking and...voila! Something new! Something that lights up the mind in a way it's never been lit before! Lighting it so brightly it can see clearly for once -- for all time, enabling the mind to see its demons for what they are and banish them to the darkest corner of memory. Enabling us to get on with living intelligently and compassionately.
What do you suppose the people who get rich selling products that pander to our demons would think of this discovery? Enlightened people would no longer fall prey to commercials that prick irrational impulses, commercials selling eternal youth and sexual irresistibility, siren calls to gluttony and greed.
Throckmorton Moynihan "Pink" Pinkerton is the geek who threatens this oligarchy of consumer madness, and somebody wants him dead. Pink doesn't know who sent the killers, nor do the people trying to protect him, including a former United States president.
Shadowy mercenaries pursuing the oddball band seem to know its every move, despite Pink and his friends staying on the run and off the grid. A chance alliance with an Internet hacker ring helps keep them one step ahead of the killers as they try to identify their enemy. But the closer they get, the more familiar it seems the murderous face becomes.
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I'm deeply grateful to Prickly Perklsniff and Sally-a-Houtman for their wise and patient assistance with the long version of the pitch for my novel Sacrifice. While helping me pick and polish they also gently hinted the damned thing was way to long. I resisted, of course, but today, my better judgment kicked in and I realized they were right. This is the result.
This story has no tags.
Prickly is feeling a bit...cheesy...today. Promise I'll come back to have a close read a bit later. But I'll stay outta swinging distance this time.
%)
;-)
Do you have the previous version? If so, could you paste it below? Would like to compare.
I deleted it, Sally. It was way too long and really strayed off point. The book is a satire, and the other rambling thing didn't really show that except for a few hints. It was more of a polemic than a story summary. Dunno what I was thinking. I guess I was a sort of "thinking on keyboard."
After I read some sample pitches on Amazon (which I should have done first off) I quickly saw what I needed to do.
I found it, Sally. Also noticed, when I studied the contest rules, that the pitches are limited to 300 words.
I should add, I've done some major rewriting of the novel itself, getting it ready for the contest. I'm waiting for Amazon to publish the new version, after which I will put the book on another week of free downloads. Anybody thinking of buying it will be better served waiting until then (probly sometime tomorrow), and anybody who recently bought the other version should seek a refund, as allowed by Amazon.
Wow. Now I see that, in the original version, only the last two paragraphs were actually about the book...
This is very journalistic and 'just the facts' - but I guess that's what's needed here. I don't know the rules, etc. so won't comment on style.
Just a couple fiddly things:
"Working in a secret underground lab near Washington, D.C"
Think about losing the word 'working' at the beginning. I think the sentence is stronger without it. If he's in a lab, we assume he's working.
.....
"A chance alliance with an Internet hacker ring keeps them one step ahead of the killers"
It's not clear to me who 'them' is - I assumed he was on the run on his own with the help of those you mention, looking for Gladys. Did he find her and the two of them are the 'them'?
.....
I liked the sparkle of the beginning of the first version - had a hook to it. I wonder if there's a way you could incorporate some of the original intrigue into the first sentence or two of the new version.
.....
I will now don protective head gear and assume the 'brace' position.
We're good, Sally. You're absolutely right about the"working", Sally, which I just deleted. As to "them," it should be clear it's those helping Pink find Gladys, as they are introduced immediately prior.
Problem with the first version, as I see it now, is it's too serious. I tried to put little hints in there pointing to satire, but the thing still sounds almost polemical. I read a bunch of Amazon best-seller pitches to see what works, and the new version is closer to that model -- titillating hook, quick pace, couple of key characters out front, basic theme and plot.
I've also done a major rewrite of the novel. Embarrassed with what I first published there.
And now, I'm burned out. Contest entries will be accepted starting at !2:01 EST, three hours from now. Gonna try to be one of the first to get mine in. They cut off taking entries when they've gotten 10,000.
Thanks again for your help, Sally.
If I only knew what 'polemical' meant...gonna have to google it now so I kin sound smart.
Good luck with this!
Political ranting. ;-)
Thanks, Sally.
The revision is livlier, crisper, concise with more tension and movement. Love it. Fave*.
Thanks, Gloria. I posted my contest submission this morning.
That makes me want to read the entire book.
Thanks, Sally, but wait until the revision goes up and I put it on a weeklong promotional free download. Probly in a day or two. I'll let y'all know.