The World Has Let Me Down

by maria rumasuglia

My mother and I are close

We talk like friends

I tell her about people I'm dating

She gets excited for me

And she asks how it's going 

When I tell her I think I'm gay

She says nothing

She does not ask about the woman I am seeing

She does not ask how I am doing

If I need to talk

If I am happy

For the first time she has no interest

Or she doesn't care

Or she's afraid if she asks then it makes it more real

Maybe she's pretending she never heard the words come out of my mouth

I am losing my faith in her

I'm finding it hard to pick out mothers day cards for her

This ones about having a mother and a best friend in one

This one says she taught me everything I know

This one thanks her for her never ending support

I cry in the middle of cvs

I'm suddenly seeing her in a different light

And it's ugly

And it's harsh

And I am losing my faith

And I am disappointed in her

I am one of five girls

My oldest sister  has never been able to say the words I love you

She will not say it back if one of us says it first

Not to any of us

Not to our parents

I imagine it has a lot to do with her childhood

Maybe she never heard it said to her when she was little

Maybe she was afraid of the people that said it to her

Whatever the reason the words do not feel okay coming out of her mouth

But she says it to her husband

She found that small piece of safety in him

She felt safe saying the words to him

The other day she told me her husband has been cheating on her for the past five years 

She has been sleeping on our sisters couch for the last week

I look at her and she looks lost

And hopeless and like she can't find enough air to catch her breath

Her eyes are sad

I hurt for her 

And I want to go back to when she was five and tell her I love her and keep telling her until she says it back

So she can hear it from someone that will never hurt her

So when she grows up and her husband cheats on her she doesn't feel like she has no one to say I love you to

I have lost my faith

I have lost my faith in the world

In love

In trust

In honesty

I have lost my faith completely

In knowing anybody for who they truly are

Or believing them when they say I would never do that

I am defeated

Because bad always wins

And I am tired of the disappointment

What can you depend on when everything you've depended on is a lie

Is evil in disgiuse

Is the woman that raised you

Or the man you married

I feel like I have lost

Like there is nothing and no one

That I can hold onto

And I feel like I am moving in slow motion and everything else is in fast forward

When things like this happen I can't help but feel like the world has let me down