My mother and I are close
We talk like friends
I tell her about people I'm dating
She gets excited for me
And she asks how it's going
When I tell her I think I'm gay
She says nothing
She does not ask about the woman I am seeing
She does not ask how I am doing
If I need to talk
If I am happy
For the first time she has no interest
Or she doesn't care
Or she's afraid if she asks then it makes it more real
Maybe she's pretending she never heard the words come out of my mouth
I am losing my faith in her
I'm finding it hard to pick out mothers day cards for her
This ones about having a mother and a best friend in one
This one says she taught me everything I know
This one thanks her for her never ending support
I cry in the middle of cvs
I'm suddenly seeing her in a different light
And it's ugly
And it's harsh
And I am losing my faith
And I am disappointed in her
I am one of five girls
My oldest sister has never been able to say the words I love you
She will not say it back if one of us says it first
Not to any of us
Not to our parents
I imagine it has a lot to do with her childhood
Maybe she never heard it said to her when she was little
Maybe she was afraid of the people that said it to her
Whatever the reason the words do not feel okay coming out of her mouth
But she says it to her husband
She found that small piece of safety in him
She felt safe saying the words to him
The other day she told me her husband has been cheating on her for the past five years
She has been sleeping on our sisters couch for the last week
I look at her and she looks lost
And hopeless and like she can't find enough air to catch her breath
Her eyes are sad
I hurt for her
And I want to go back to when she was five and tell her I love her and keep telling her until she says it back
So she can hear it from someone that will never hurt her
So when she grows up and her husband cheats on her she doesn't feel like she has no one to say I love you to
I have lost my faith
I have lost my faith in the world
In love
In trust
In honesty
I have lost my faith completely
In knowing anybody for who they truly are
Or believing them when they say I would never do that
I am defeated
Because bad always wins
And I am tired of the disappointment
What can you depend on when everything you've depended on is a lie
Is evil in disgiuse
Is the woman that raised you
Or the man you married
I feel like I have lost
Like there is nothing and no one
That I can hold onto
And I feel like I am moving in slow motion and everything else is in fast forward
When things like this happen I can't help but feel like the world has let me down
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This was written after coming out to my mother and learning of my sisters husbands infidelity.
I admire the way you just say it all straight out. The repetition of "losing faith" made its mark of me. The scene of the difficulty with the Mother's day cards was so clear to me.
heartrending loss, effectively rendered--raw and deep and straight from the broken places
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I love the way you convey loss, the scene at CVS, the sister. Fave*