The Serious Writer’s Obituary

by Larry Strattner

 A local resident, __(your name)__was discovered today hanging from a shower outlet in his bathroom at__(your address)__. Death was ruled as creative strangulation although the county coroner noted an unusual quantity of saline liquid in the lungs which, he stated, ‘may have been the result of abject sobbing for an extended period before death.'


__(your name )__ was a local writer and artist known widely for his supermarket flyers, department store sale bulletins and colorful, ‘keep off my fucking grass you asshole,' signs.


Those who knew him, which archive research has shown to be almost no one, said he was ‘quiet and kept mainly to himself.'


His numerous community involvements included the 2001, ‘shots fired SWAT call and subsequent thirty two hour standoff ‘ after he fired a volley from an M60 machine gun at a neighbor cutting across his lawn on his way to the Seven Eleven. The incident reached a negotiated conclusion after __(etc.)__ surrendered his automatic weapons, retained his NRA membership and erected an eight foot chain link fence around his property. Abutting neighbors were unavailable for comment.


As a writer of some accomplishment, __(etc.)__'s stated goal, detailed in several Letters to the Editor of this paper, was to achieve publication in __(name names)__ Magazine from which he had apparently received rejections in a quantity upward of three digits. His newspaper delivery person, who stopped every morning at five, claimed he frequently heard screaming from the __( etc.)__ home.


__( etc.)__ will be missed by friends and family alike; as well as his special friend Lola at the Candy Stripe Club.


Interment will take place at the __(location)__ Ave. intersection with __(etc.)__'s ashes being distributed in front of the five-oh-seven as it arrives from__(origination point)__.


In lieu of flowers donations may be made to the NRA or your local chapter of the Aryan Brotherhood. It is far too late for any editorial recognition.