3.8 in Chicago

A 3.8 magnitude earthquake ravaged the northwest suburbs of Chicago Wednesday evening. Martinis sloshed out of the glasses of several late night drinkers staining a number of machine woven oriental rugs in Waukegan.

Tempted to abandon their homes during the tremor, residents of Schaumberg rode the quake out inside since it was fourteen below outside with the wind chill.   

Minnie Little of Arlington Heights claimed, “I told Herman next to me in bed, lie still Herman, for goodness sake. All your thrashing woke me right up. Herman? Then I remembered. Herman was in Dubuque on business.”

Fred “Chicken” Little, also of Arlington Heights exclaimed “I told them it was coming? Did that snow bank move or am I just imagining things?”

“It's a 3.8! I told my wife. Stand in a doorway. It's safer in a doorway,” said Fred Latch of Cicero. “Although I have to say, all the way down here I thought it was just a train.”

“Them trektoic plates is pullin' loose,” said Fred Wrench, quoted in Joliet where the net magnitude reached 1.3. “I'm movin' to g-----n Indiana where this s--t don't happen.”

Eleven million people felt the shaking. Lakeshore drive braced for a possible tsunami.

The chandelier in the restaurant at the top of the Hancock Building was reputed to have swung two inches beyond its normal, wind driven arc. Diners looked on with forks poised in amazement.

The cleanup of broken wine bottles in brown paper bags, nauseous Rush Street revelers and Loyola undergraduate students is predicted to take until least until Thurday afternoon.

The city is bracing for possible aftershocks.