Out of sync
I've been floating dear
adrift
I could not see you clearly
through the tattered, hazy scrim
the boundary between us
might as well have been
a canyon
you reached for me and
a vice tightened
around my head
I wanted to merge with you
my heart wished for a
brilliant explosion of limb
between limb
but the flow was cut
and my eyes ached
throat caught
and I lost all sight
In the desert,
life becomes very small
a bug, a rare fruited plant
precious drops of water
just one caress from you
and I would thirst no more
I am raw, exposed
skin shorn and
bared to the sun
I have no armor,
I am fair
splayed open
carrion for the circling birds
under no illusion of safety
my flesh ready to be picked
from my bones
any second
I would like to know
where the nourishment is
the fruit and honey,
the juice-filled bounty
the textured excess
tantalizing patterns
of harmonious angles
and shapes
feeding my mind
and spirit
I tried to smoke my way there
and imagine my path
through the mandala
but the doors kept closing
and I was left breathing
fine bits of dust
because the thoughts came too fast
and I could not catch them
before they dissipated
they tore the hope right out of
me with their
fleeting illusion of greatness
It was dark
and sad
and damp
with tomorrows
and I did not know
where you were
and there was no
revelation
only
gray hunger
If only I could have felt you here
next to me, I
could have enjoyed this moment, now
adrift
I could not see you clearly
through the tattered, hazy scrim
the boundary between us
might as well have been
a canyon
you reached for me and
a vice tightened
around my head
I wanted to merge with you
my heart wished for a
brilliant explosion of limb
between limb
but the flow was cut
and my eyes ached
throat caught
and I lost all sight
In the desert,
life becomes very small
a bug, a rare fruited plant
precious drops of water
just one caress from you
and I would thirst no more
I am raw, exposed
skin shorn and
bared to the sun
I have no armor,
I am fair
splayed open
carrion for the circling birds
under no illusion of safety
my flesh ready to be picked
from my bones
any second
I would like to know
where the nourishment is
the fruit and honey,
the juice-filled bounty
the textured excess
tantalizing patterns
of harmonious angles
and shapes
feeding my mind
and spirit
I tried to smoke my way there
and imagine my path
through the mandala
but the doors kept closing
and I was left breathing
fine bits of dust
because the thoughts came too fast
and I could not catch them
before they dissipated
they tore the hope right out of
me with their
fleeting illusion of greatness
It was dark
and sad
and damp
with tomorrows
and I did not know
where you were
and there was no
revelation
only
gray hunger
If only I could have felt you here
next to me, I
could have enjoyed this moment, now
|
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216 words
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Author's Note
This is the first piece in a long time that I have felt brave enough to continue editing... such a deceptively frightening thing to do... thanks to Sally and Tantra for the feedback...
Other stories by Deborah Oster Pannell
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Really nice flow to this. Esp like the second and third segments.
(Is 'Blistfulness' a play on "Wistfulness'? If so, hmmmm. Not sure. Makes it look like a typo and might detract from the piece, which overall, is very solid.)
Thanks Sally... yes, i was going for a play on bliss and wistfulness... maybe i should have made it blisstfulness...
or maybe something else entirely...
Yes, I've renamed it "Out of sync." I like that better...
Ah, better. You may try more titles before you find just the right one.
Really like this, Deborah.
Thanks Sally... you know, just exploring the freedom to try different titles on for size is a new experience for me. I forget how fluid the process is, and that I'm not committed to a bad choice... ha ha! Editing - what a concept! :)
I like this. A lot of emotion.
A few places the general words that sum up things might serve the poem with uniquely vivid images that show rather than tell. Such as: "I felt so lonely and frightened." "There was no wisdom only emptiness."
I find reading general words like that don't have the same impact as specific ones, which you normally use here throughout the whole poem so well, like "the juice-filled bounty, the textured excess tantalizing patterns" which is great. A lot of lovely phrasing here, like "damp with tomorrows"
Thank you Tantra. That is excellent feedback. I appreciate the technical suggestions - very smart. I will take another look at those passages with that in mind!
"I would like to know
where the nourishment is
the fruit and honey,
the juice-filled bounty
the textured excess
tantalizing patterns
of harmonious angles
and shapes
feeding my mind
and spirit"
The phrasings are nicely done. The imagery is effective because of its direct approach. Rich.
Enjoyed the poem.
Great job taking feedback on board. This just gets stronger.
Can I fave this again?
Thank you Sam!
I'm taking more chances with imagery now, I'm glad you liked it.
Sally - thanks for the double fave! ha ha...