Planet Crabby
by Cat Rambo
On Planet Crabby it goes without saying that everybody's crabby. All the time.
Let me give you a few examples. On Planet Crabby If a child doesn't color between the lines you point it out to them, kindly but firmly. When somebody pulls up too far at a stoplight, you go two feet out into the intersection outside the white lines and you stop and stand in front of the driver's side shaking your finger for four or five minutes while they and the 23 cars behind them lean on their horns. And if you have to stand in line you shift your weight backward and forward backward and forward in one continuous uneasy motion. Everyone else in line is doing exactly the same thing.
On Planet Crabby the stores only sell seconds and remaindered merchandise. Everything has something minor wrong with it. The plates are chipped, the designs noticeably off center, the artificial Xmas trees lopsided or tarnished a nervous bronze. All the lighting is fluorescent, causing a high rate of miscarriages among shoppers. On Planet Crabby every mall is the saddest mall.
On Planet Crabby a boy met a girl and a girl met a boy but neither couple got anywhere because they dismissed their prospective partner as just plain too crabby. Alternative arrangements were unthinkable. This happened a number of times.
On Planet Crabby nobody uses dental floss, but it's okay, because the water is flurodated. Everybody drinks a lot of black coffee. People there wear too tight clothing and know how to type perfectly. Organization is more than a virtue on Planet Crabby -- it's a necessity.
Planet Crabby runs according to type. Everyone's a day late and two cents short. On Planet Crabby the Red Button has been pushed twenty-seven times so far but outside forces anticipated the situation and rewired the circuit so everytime it's pushed, the light in a broom closet in a basement somewhere goes on or off. It is currently dark.
Planet Crabby is run entirely by suggestion box, but all forms must be submitted in triplicate. You are allowed six suggestions per pay period.
Despite what you might think, no one walks sideways on Planet Crabby. The sky is generally unchanging. Sometimes there are submarines.
Another time on Planet Crabby somebody met somebody and they just never got along together very well so they broke up after three weeks.
On Planet Crabby a rose is a rose is a rose. Wilted by the end of the sentence.
On Planet Crabby no one is obvious and no one is elliptical. Conversation runs smoothly. The newscasts are remarkably easy to understand.
On Planet Crabby there's a lot of early morning phone calls. Everyone has a clock. No one has a radio. Microwaves are a hot item among the consumers of Planet Crabby.
On Planet Crabby everybody calls a spade a shovel.
The longest lasting romance on Planet Crabby was held by two people for three months and then they shot each other in a restaurant. No one else has lasted that long. As they say on Planet Crabby, "Who'd want to?"
There are no guidebooks to Planet Crabby. You're there on your own. Sometimes it's better to go with the flow. Other times not. It's up to you. Be honest. I too have had romances on the surface of that world.
Let me give you a few examples. On Planet Crabby If a child doesn't color between the lines you point it out to them, kindly but firmly. When somebody pulls up too far at a stoplight, you go two feet out into the intersection outside the white lines and you stop and stand in front of the driver's side shaking your finger for four or five minutes while they and the 23 cars behind them lean on their horns. And if you have to stand in line you shift your weight backward and forward backward and forward in one continuous uneasy motion. Everyone else in line is doing exactly the same thing.
On Planet Crabby the stores only sell seconds and remaindered merchandise. Everything has something minor wrong with it. The plates are chipped, the designs noticeably off center, the artificial Xmas trees lopsided or tarnished a nervous bronze. All the lighting is fluorescent, causing a high rate of miscarriages among shoppers. On Planet Crabby every mall is the saddest mall.
On Planet Crabby a boy met a girl and a girl met a boy but neither couple got anywhere because they dismissed their prospective partner as just plain too crabby. Alternative arrangements were unthinkable. This happened a number of times.
On Planet Crabby nobody uses dental floss, but it's okay, because the water is flurodated. Everybody drinks a lot of black coffee. People there wear too tight clothing and know how to type perfectly. Organization is more than a virtue on Planet Crabby -- it's a necessity.
Planet Crabby runs according to type. Everyone's a day late and two cents short. On Planet Crabby the Red Button has been pushed twenty-seven times so far but outside forces anticipated the situation and rewired the circuit so everytime it's pushed, the light in a broom closet in a basement somewhere goes on or off. It is currently dark.
Planet Crabby is run entirely by suggestion box, but all forms must be submitted in triplicate. You are allowed six suggestions per pay period.
Despite what you might think, no one walks sideways on Planet Crabby. The sky is generally unchanging. Sometimes there are submarines.
Another time on Planet Crabby somebody met somebody and they just never got along together very well so they broke up after three weeks.
On Planet Crabby a rose is a rose is a rose. Wilted by the end of the sentence.
On Planet Crabby no one is obvious and no one is elliptical. Conversation runs smoothly. The newscasts are remarkably easy to understand.
On Planet Crabby there's a lot of early morning phone calls. Everyone has a clock. No one has a radio. Microwaves are a hot item among the consumers of Planet Crabby.
On Planet Crabby everybody calls a spade a shovel.
The longest lasting romance on Planet Crabby was held by two people for three months and then they shot each other in a restaurant. No one else has lasted that long. As they say on Planet Crabby, "Who'd want to?"
There are no guidebooks to Planet Crabby. You're there on your own. Sometimes it's better to go with the flow. Other times not. It's up to you. Be honest. I too have had romances on the surface of that world.
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Author's Note
Planet Crabby originally appeared in ASYLUM, September 1990. It was inspired by a cranky morning, and a mall I lived near by that my brother and I called "the saddest mall."
Other stories by Cat Rambo
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The voice, the pace, the gems of ideas here are all just terrific. While I honestly thought I'd get annoyed or bored with the progression it just kept getting better and better, and I loved the explanation for it all!
I read to "On Planet Crabby the Red Button has been pushed twenty-seven times so far but outside forces anticipated the situation and rewired the circuit so everytime it's pushed, the light in a broom closet in a basement somewhere goes on or off. It is currently dark." and then laughed outloud and had to read it to my husband.
This is very charming, and I shall definitely be using the phrase "I'm on planet crabby" next time I wake in a bad mood.
This reads like good poetry, funny and sad and true.
Holy crap. I think I might be living on planet crabby.
love the voice, which is human and not at all crabby, and Planet Crabby, which is described so very well
"The sky is generally unchanging. Sometimes there are submarines."
"a lot of early morning phone calls"
"As they say on Planet Crabby, "Who'd want to?" "
Thank you for the commentary!
Very quirky and nicely written. :)