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Customer Service Circa 2017


by Stephen Stark


Welcome to Quantum Transport, a leading innovator in dematerialization and rematerialization solutions for home and office. At Quantum Transport, our motto is, Anything's possible in the quantum stream. 

Hold times vary; current hold time appears to be 45 minutes.

Many of your questions about our fine products can be answered 24 hours a day on our web site without frustrating hold times. Live chat is also available 24 hours a day with our live robotic chat devices. These LRCDs can walk you through most any difficulty.

For product registration, press 1. For wireless handheld access to our web site, please press 2. For assistance with a QT product, press 3. 

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For licensed customers calling about the new, 2.0 beta version of Quantum Transport, please remember that this is a beta release and may still have bugs. Please have your 47 digit Quantumizer Scanner Demat-remat serial number, your customer ID, and your license code available. 

While holding, you might want to consider reading your end user license agreement. If you do not have a copy of your EULA close to hand, press 2 and select your beta version and our auto-translator can read it for you in any language.

The hold music is Microsoft's Tranzac®, trance-techno noodling familiar to anyone calling customer service lines in the middle of the second decade of the 21st century. 

Developed in the Microsoft DNA Manipulation Labs quite by accident, it has no beginning or end, nor any real tune, but has been shown in research to soothe those parts of the brain involved in stimulating norepinephrine release in nearly the exact percentage of the population using the ubiquitous Windows® operating system. In some undisclosed percentage of humans, it has been known to induce a trancelike state. In an even smaller percentage, it has been shown to induce a coma-like state that can last for up to twelve hours.

Because of these qualities, Tranzac is unusually effective in reducing the level of outrage in customers of even the most shoddy products. Rumors of FDA regulation of music are mere wishful thinking, as Dolby Microsoft's Tranzac has also been shown to increase the willingness of nearly every human to purchase. Indeed, consumer purchasing—and the ever ineffable “willingness to purchase index”—has exploded since the release of Tranzac in late 2015, several years behind schedule (rumors still swirl that an unacceptably high number of Microsoft beta testers did not come out of comas induced by the beta version of Tranzac). 

An increasing number of handheld wireless devices, HWDs—or howdys in the popular nomenclature—are now equipped with Tranzac filters. Users with filtered howdys are spared the effects of Tranzac. In perhaps a clever business maneuver, the Tranzac filter is also a fine Microsoft product.


Your automated customer service interlocutor has identified you as Friend Dave. Is this correct? Press or say one.

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Before I connect you with a customer service representative, I need to determine information about your account. You appear to be using an altsys. If this is correct, please press or say one.

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You may be aware that your altsys may not work correctly with Microsoft products. Press or say one to connect to a sales representative who can set you up with your very own Microsoft Howdy. Press or say two to continue to hold indefinitely.

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Current hold times are still approximately 45 minutes.


It is, finally, more than an hour before Friend Dave is connected to a customer service representative.

Quantum Transport—I hope you're making it a great day.

I am.

My name is Sven and I can help you. May I have your serial number, your customer ID, and your license code?

There follows much reading and re-reading of long strings of numbers and letters.

And who am I speaking with?

Friend Dave.

For your security and identification purposes, Friend Dave, I will need your personal PIN number.

So, Sven, you want my personal identification PIN number?

(Without any hint of irony) Yes.

There follows more reading of long strings of alphanumeric characters.

Thank you. Please tell me how I can help you, Friend Dave.

We were having Thanksgiving dinner. I decided to use my Quantum Transport QM3 scan-de-mat to transport my mother-in-law home, and there's been a little shall we say mix up.

Did she make it home safely?

Well, only in a manner of speaking. She seems to have arrived, um, slightly rearranged, with, um, some—I don't know how to put this exactly—some extra parts.

Please confirm for me that you have read and understand your yoola, Friend Dave?

Yes.

Yes what?

Yes, I've read it and understand it.

And you understand that we do not recommend human transport yet.

I understand that. I've used it a few times and until now it's worked great.

Interesting. So tell me about these extra parts.

We sent her home with a plate of food, Sven. She lives alone now. A good meal that she can zap at her convenience is always welcome.

My father-in-law is the same way.

Does the Q3 mess with DNA at all?

Of course it does. The Q3 uses random DNA algorithmic sampling to establish the de- and rematerializing instruction sets. The revolutionary Microsoft DNA codec is a fundamental part of the Q3.

That would explain the beak and the wattles, I guess. Assuming roasted turkey would still have its DNA intact.

I can't speak to the DNA of roasted turkey, Friend Dave.

The real issue here, Sven, isn't the wattles or the beak. They really don't change her appearance much. The real issue is the giblets.

Giblets?

She loves giblets, Sven. I never cook them, so I sent them with her in a freeze-bag along with her plate of food. She called a few minutes ago—well, it's been more than an hour, now—she called on the web video phone and frankly hadn't even noticed the, um, cosmetic changes yet—she called to say thanks for the very large kidney. She showed it to us, and Sven, well, I'm going to have to say it looks a lot like a human kidney.

Interesting.

Is it possible that it's one of hers?

Anything's possible in the quantum stream, Friend Dave. Let me check our database and see if we have any similar reports. I'm going to put you on hold.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't put me on hold, Sven. 

I'm going to have to, Friend Dave.

(Half an hour later) Hi, Friend Dave. Sven here again. I've found something similar.

While I was on hold, I had a lot of time to think, Sven. How long could a human survive on one human kidney and one turkey kidney?

Actually, that's what I was getting at, Friend Dave.

Do tell, Sven.

As I'm sure you know, a human being can survive just fine on a single kidney in most cases. I'd suggest you just leave well enough alone.

Really?

Does she like kidney?

Yes. I believe I mentioned that, Sven.

Well, you did say that the cosmetic change wasn't so profound. So...

Just let her enjoy her own kidney?

Think of the alternative. And remember, the software and the machine are still in the beta stage.

Endcap