Where I've Been the Last 10 or More Years
Dear Classmates:
It's been so long since I've been in touch with any of you—if I ever was in touch with you—because my family and I took up residence in the local Wal•Mart. I'm really not sure how long we were there. It was years.
We didn't intend to do this, exactly. I went in one day. I think it was Automotive. I was gone a long time and my wife and kids came looking for me. We moved to Bedding to be more comfortable. (Did you know those little, shortened beds they display the sheets and other bedding on are not beds at all?) No one noticed. It was a regular life. Predictable as a catalog. Here we are on page 3, a five-piece set.
We spent a lot of time in Garden. The kids played in Toys. Almost immediately, they began to refer to us as the Special Associates—which may have had something to do with my telling the manager a little white lie about the Home Office, Mr. Walton, and my own Special Mission. After that, we wanted for nothing.
People were darned friendly, wanting to make sure that we were aware of the bargains and having a really chipper, fulfilling and above all happy shopping experience. They were so darned friendly that we stayed throughout most of the boom of the 90s, living on seasonal products and meeting a lot of just salt-of-the-earth friendly people who went out of their way to see that we were finding what we were looking for.
I have to be honest with you, though, it got a little mind-numbing, spending day after day wandering the aisles, hypnotized by the vastness of it all. I couldn't write. And the selection—despite the oceanic size, there really isn't one when that's where you are and there is nothing else. The repetition—the aisles, the days—was like the ticking of a clock. I knew that something was coming. Like weather, perhaps. Even though there wasn't any.
I began to get irritable. I lived in New York too long be able to stand for people to be that nice. And so, as these things happen, we had to leave paradise.
So there you have it. We're out now. Back to a more or less normal life. Don't forget to sign the guestbook.
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Author's Note
I wrote this silliness especially for the benefit of Classmates.com, but I ended up liking it too much and wanted to do something with it.
nice. would have been hilarious to see the reactions of your former classmates had you posted this there.
fun, and it's a commentary too
love this
"I knew that something was coming. Like weather, perhaps."
i'd maybe axe the "final straw" and "whatever that is" near the end. I like "Back to a normal life. Don't forget to sign the guestbook"... ratchet up the irony for the reader without the nudge. Good stuff.
Excellent suggestions, David. Made a couple of other little changes. Thanks, Morgan.
Stephen, great, this looks much tighter. At the risk of moving from hepful to annoying, here are a few more suggestions:
"(Did you know those little, shortened beds they display the sheets and other bedding on are not beds at all?)" - perhaps just say: "Turns out those short display beds, with their sheets and comforters, aren't actually beds at all."
"Here we are on page 3, a five-piece set" - the "3" and "five" sorta threw me...those AP style book rules and Blue Book rules have made me annoyingly attuned to this kind of stuff.
a little white lie - maybe cut "white"?
hmm re the two "darned friendly" - maybe put "In fact" before the second one to sort of "wink wink" regarding the first reference or just cut the second "darned friendly" reference?
also...this was awkward, maybe because of the "." and the large amount of text b/w the slashes: "And the selection —despite the oceanic size, there really isn't one when that's where you are and there is nothing else. The repetition—the aisles, the days—was like the ticking of a clock."
In any event, I like this version a lot, notwithstanding my comments. :)
Dang, D, darned friendly criticism. I'm awash in AP myself and I was thinking I'd got that right--since it was page 3 ... I think the em-dashing looks weird because of proximity. I see the first as more of a stand-in for a colon, whereas the others are more parenthetical...
Hey Stephen, ha, my "attuned" to this stuff only means I think about it (obsess?) but never seem to figure out what the answers are.
Bottom line is this new version is stronger and even funnier. Take my comments as you will and I cracked up at your "darned friendly criticism". Touche and happy Friday!