The Tale of Gary Von Gross

by Pat Pujolas

Gather 'round children,

For it's high time to tell,

The story of a strange man

With a horrible, awful smell.


For this is a story

More disgusting than most.

This is the gruesome tale

Of Gary Von Gross.


With a house made of boogers

And a car made of barf,

He knitted hats from dog-doo--

Even added a scarf.


He ate two worms for breakfast

And four more at lunch

And when it was time for dinner

Well, you can guess, he ate a whole bunch


With roaches in his beard

And centipedes in his hair

He stuffed cobwebs down his pants

And called it "underwear."


He saved yellow fingernail clippings

From his grubby hands and toes

He mailed them all to strangers

And signed it, with love, Gary Von Gross


His bad breath they say

Was legendary in these parts

It smelled like a dozen rotten eggs

Or ten million farts!


He was gross!

He was gross!

His neighbors would complain:

"Have you ever taken a bath--

I mean, aside from the rain?"


Their complaints had no effect

They fell on deaf ears

If anything, Gary got even grosser

He was the grossest in years!


Then one day or so they say

There was a knocking at his door

Perhaps it was someone

Who could take it no more?


"Go away! Get lost!"

Gary shouted from his room

"I am Gary Von Gross

And I smell like boom-boom."


But the stranger did not leave

She was unlike the others

"Open this door," the woman shouted

"Gary, this is your mother!"


Well, you can imagine then

The surprised look on Gary's face

His mom was right there, and right now

At the door of Gary's foul place.


"Oh, come in now, Mom--

I didn't know it was you!"

She stepped inside and she frowned

Then she spoke two letters, "P.U."


"Now, Gary you listen hard.

And Gary you listen good!

You're gonna clean yourself up

And this instant you should!"


"But Mo-om," Gary said

And looked at his long hairy toes

"The whole town knows me

As the one and only Gary Von Gross!"


"Not anymore," his mom shouted

For she could be quite mean.

"From this day forward,

You are Gary the Clean!"


So Gary cleaned up,

All the things that he owned

He even took a nice bubble bath

While he groaned and groaned


"I'm leaving now, Gary,"

His mom finally said.

"You keep yourself clean

Until the day you are dead!"


"Yes, Mom, I promise I will,"

Said the former Gary von Gross.

But as soon as she left

He started picking his nose!


He re-boogered his house!

He re-barfed his car!

He re-sent toe-nail clippings

To those near and far.


"I am who I am!"

Shouted Gary Von Gross,

Then put four creepy caterpillars

On a moldy piece of toast.


The lesson dear students,

What you should remember the most

Listen well to your parents--

Or end up like Gary von Gross!