A meditation on mint tins
by Julie Leung
And I am reminded of river eyes:
The summer we slumbered,
Like mummies in the sand,
Shrouded in shared thought.
In the lukewarm water,
We would thrust our calloused toes,
Bruise our heels against the pebbles,
And swear allegiance to the experience.
We selected the most ostentatious, proud
And housed that season in an Altoids tin.
I shake its contents and think of our laughter.
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I like the images in the opening in particular, "river eyes" and the juxtaposition of death "mummies" and shrouds and "shared thought". To me the second parenthetical verse impedes the movement and alters the language, which is otherwise sparer, not so jokey.
But overall, a fine poem.
i like this, enjoyed very much this poem. I do agree with what david said, that feels true. really good work.
Many fine moments here, Julie.
My honed version (I know it loses its raison d'etre by sacrificing the Altoids.)
and I am reminded of river eyes
the summer we slumbered
like mummies in the sand,
shrouded in shared thought
in the lukewarm water
we would thrust our calloused toes,
bruise our heels against the pebbles
and swear allegiance to the experience
To me, that's all you really need.